this Blog is now available as a book called "Mad Blog"

 Hi everyone, I published this blog.  I like how it turned out. It is 450 pages and you can see a plot develop throughout the posts as they start out happy and friendly, then there are hints of legal intimidation, and then I am wrenched completely and my life is ruined by political hypocrits.  The book is on amazon with my other books.  There is a link at refriedbean.com.  I don't know why my books haven't sold.  I think it is because of mental health case management.  But I am kind of tired of not having an income that matches my work.  It does hurt my feelings and I have to start to see that maybe the conspiracy is actually abusive.

But I am okay and enjoy the creative process without the sales but I am a sales and advertising-ish kind of person and intended to create products worth buying.   Like it's not just charity though I would give away as many books and cash as I could.  I feel misperceived as a worker.

Also I am not as conservative as my posts make it seem, but people harrass me so I defend all of us in writing.  People in the north are so quick to remind evangelicals that americans are never persecuted but I feel sorry for them because we are, and it is them who do it.  I think some of it was motivated to reach their unchurched people and get everyone engaged in politics.  But unfortunately their politics became too much a substitute for religion and they have hurt a lot of people.

But that is enough of that. I am tired of it being my job to understand and analyze people's abuse as they mistreat me.  Some of the nature of most abuse is that it is bad and stupid so in a way it doesn't make sense.  So why try, it only takes time and energy from other worthy goals and better people.

I have gotten a lot of mental health care to still feel this bad.  Every day i feel anxiety and pain. Whose harvest is that? Is it mine, from writing and doing volunteer work?  I doubt it.

Have a nice day, everyone. Some of this is a re-enactment from other times in my life. It is part of creative therapy in new york.  But some of that story was an assaulting public as a retail worker so think about whether you want that to be you or if you want to be in the hall of polite customers.

hyper-con

  Well hello everyone. Today is march 25. I have not written on this blog in a while.  I just ate some casserole that I made from a new recipe. It is called Dorito Casserole.  You cook some chicken, break it up into small pieces, and add it to a mixture of sour cream, cream of chicken soup, and taco seasoning.  Then you sprinkle doritos on top.  I cooked some rice because there was a lot of creamy goop so I made it go further.  It is yummy!! I think it will become a usual frequent recipe I use.  

I think I am going to finish being a writer soon.  I still need to write the soldier hogs novel.  Maybe in April for Nano Wrimo. And I think I will do another poetry book to complete a three book series.  However I feel that possibly I have said all I have to say and I should finish up.  

 

What do you guys think about that? Like maybe I should switch from writer to bookseller and try to get these books into some schools and churches or something.

 

I am sad to not have enough trustworthy journalism to know what is happening.  I have had to avoid things like nbc news because they are so obviously assaulting me with lies and bad portrayals. It is kind of funny that they are recording themselves doing that as history. I don’t know if Biden can win a war and still achieve the religious persecution he wants to in the United States. It is weird to disengage from media and see it from a distance.  I wrote a story once about a cloud of raisins that attacked a camp, damaging property, and then moving on.  Possibly that is what some of the political problems will be like. But I guess we won’t know for a while.

I guess Biden could try to lose the war to get rid of some of the military conservatives, creating more moral injury so the liberals can say that it was all another vietnam.  Or maybe that is what they already did.  So this time the goal will be to allow China and Russia to take slaves from those pesky red states in the middle and south between the blue states who want to be nuked while they sing john lennon songs.

Possibly this is why I am going to die thirty years early, so I can attend the judgement day of a certain generation responsible for other personal losses. 

"License to ILL"

 Hi everyone, I hope you all are doing great. This is my old blog but I occasionally post on it if I need to complain about something.  Today I am okay and in a good mood because I just wrote a new story. I like how it turned out.  Earlier I was not as happy because I still felt bad after people were mean to me at my support group.  Eliza, Sonia, and Barbra each seemed to come to support group with the intent of making people feel bad on purpose.  I think it is some kind of activism and is suspiciously skillful.  It could be that they want prayers and it is part of the conspiracy.  So I don't really know what to do.  I think a normal policy of proceeding with the usual guidelines of straightforward participation is what is recommended and then they just become more and more obvious in their quite nasty bad choices.  I mean who targets suicidal people in their own support groups?  I'll tell you who.  Social work activists.  What an embarrassment. Truly a disgrace.  The field is full of people like that. I might eventually burn my license.  Some people will pretend they don't care, and that is fine, because most of my audience is saints and angels anyway, waiting to welcome me to heaven after mental health workers succeed in driving me to suicide.  So far I have no attempts to my name, after years of depression, but unfortunately the attempts to make me give up are in the hundreds of thousands from hypocrit harrassers all along the way.

Lillian and Tamara

 Hi everyone, welcome to my old blog. It has a pattern of old posts that could have been publicly popular and might still be appreciated in the books where they are printed, and then a sad transition to a journal of suffering as people put the finishing touches on ruining my life.  There is a wasted literary career that has happened, but still at least the work itself is preserved in books published on amazon.  I am used to people trying to tell themselves it probably wasn't good writing anyway, but they are wrong and selfish and all things like that will be apparent in due time.

As it is, I am being abused at my apartment.  It is mostly emotional, and something I haven't really heard labeled before, which is a "life abuse," or circumstances sabotage, where people in authority roles try to hurt your life and damage or block your ways out of the "pain that they maintain."  

Last year it was a bad case manager, Tamara, and this year, it is still that person plus at least one more, Lillian, who just made her intentions known yesterday, with an obvious exhilarated feeling as she continued what seem to be her main strategies which involve always suggesting that I might need to go to the hospital if I say anything about their mistreatment.  So she tries to escalate any complaints into me seeming unstable.  She has done that about three times now.  The other person's go to strategies are more like power plays and hints that I am getting marked down for things that make me lose housing.  And then a time lapse to make me not make any progress on goals. There is more, there is also this nasty "holding" effect where that case manager would make herself present right before an event or other group I was doing and then set a time to meet back with me again, so I would feel as nasty abuse shadow over the parts of my life that were okay.

I can freely say these people's names, the second person is kind of a sad surprise who I had expected to treat me well, so the effect is a feeling of the whole staff doing everything they can to make me feel awful every day. It is weird to think that these are the worst people I have ever known, because I already have essentially a twelve year torture case pending, also with key abusers and their supporters from my old retail job. My brain damage tells the tale, and this time my death will tell the tale.

I knew in July that I was being mistreated, and have begged now for months for anyone to help me.  But basically I am dependent on the housing so I have to be emotionally abused for the indefinite future.  It is heartbreaking in a depressing way that I am familiar with and thought I had escaped from.  

If you are reading this, there is no need to report it, I have already done everything I can and people know. I think that it has to continue until it also reaches federal crime levels for anything to be done.  And I know already that for some reason, nothing will be done.  I don't know what it is about me but people often agree that I am supposed to be abused and that I can't have any reward for my work and efforts.  By now it is essentially my whole adulthood like that, and I just have to wait for it to be over

I think if anyone else is planning to join in, whether you are a lawyer, or a racist activist, or whatever your interest is in taking another chunk out of my soul as an assistant of satan, a key bible story to look at is when Moses was not allowed to enter the promised land.  It was a discipline from God. Moses had done something wrong, I can't remember what it was, but after 40 years of suffering and leadership as he led slaves out of Egypt, God said he could not enjoy the end goal because of what he had done wrong.  The reason I think that is relevant has to do with some of the people who for whatever reason think they will get away with being mean to me. No matter what aspect of their life makes them think they can get away with indulging in this one instance of abuse at their job, they will not in any way get away with it. And I doubt they are Moses in any way, so it will be interesting to see what horror awaits them, and when, and in front of what audience.

People might think the same can be said about me, maybe even for telling on bad people in this blog, but actually those people would be wrong.  I do what I am supposed to, and people who just do what they want to or what they can get away with all the time don't realize how obvious their bad behavior is to everyone who already has habits of honesty and treating people well.  So we patiently forgive and pray and accept our persecution, while bad people try to use that against us too, saying we are too passive while they continue their disgraceful crooked perversion in front of all of human history.

Goodbye everyone, some people did try

 “Beggars can’t be a chooser, that’s why we abuse her” - The Bridge Inc.

Hi everyone it’s me Sarah, happy to be back in New York until my housing place overtly made me fear losing housing again. It was a security guard this time but usually it is staff or medicine people trying to make me not take my meds so I more easily get kicked out. I had a bad case manager this past year and it took me a long time to figure out she was making me feel bad on purpose and trying to make me lose both housing and benefits. I do not know how extensive the network is who helps her and whether it is for political reasons or just some sickness she has.

They gave me a new case manager but it is too late. I do not expect to live through the week. I truly wish I was never born. I wish I was a fetus during Kamala’s presidency.

I reached out to a lot of people but any benefit of my miraculous survival of years of depression and poverty continues to be overtly threatened, wasted, and insulted. And I just have had enough and in the end I philosophically believe I don’t have to keep participating in my own torture. I have complained before about how wrong it is for my determination to survive to be warped into a suicide rights mission but I do not believe I will be the one answering for that, and I believe my own reckoning will probably be in a matter of days. I know God is not happy with what people have done to me in New York and elsewhere. The stupidity of people who don’t care what he thinks is almost as depressing as their actual emotional abuse and destructive hypocrisy.

Will I be contacting hospitals and social work schools before I am gone? I don’t know. I think people need to know not am to send any more clients and interns to a place that hurts their residents on purpose.

Emotional punishment for doing what I am supposed to is a lifelong experience and a strategy from Satan that too many people too eagerly joined in on for whatever reason.

To those who helped me last this long I thank you all. But I can’t survive abuse at this close a range from the people who I trusted with my life with little choice.

Have a nice day everyone

 Hi everyone, I hope you are doing okay.  Today is Saturday.  I am finishing up a round of facebook boosts from this week.  It went well and I am thankful.  My new page of art and poetry is different from my jokes page and people like my poems.  I am so thankful and happy about it.  I look forward to sharing more poems in the future.

I have felt more frustration with my jokes page this time, though I don't know exactly why. I think it is because I didn't nail it with my choices on what to boost.  But definitely there are some successful jokes, and even the ones that aren't as much of a zinger have found an audience. So that is good and I am happy to learn more each time I run ads. 

I complained to facebook about some crooked dealings and some of my numbers went down.  So that is too bad and possibly unwise, though the problems I complained about were egregious.  But my sense that it was a tragedy I think was possibly a little bit much and probably influenced by my psych meds which give me an odd specific feeling of devastation.  

The medicine I had to take was clonazapam because my gallbladder cramped up this week, and then I developed a severe case of bruxism, where your jaw clenches and your face hurts.  That is interesting, I think my life situations were exactly the recipe that causes that.  The competitive ambition on facebook, the stress and rage of being thwarted at every effort for two weeks by every institution I work with, and my underlying neurological conditions.  I can tell this will be an issue for the rest of my life, and I didn't have it two or three weeks ago.  So I truly can trace it back to my SSDI paperwork being lost in the mail, my apartment making my address unstable and not letting me get my mail reliably, my case manager hurting me on purpose for now the fifth month of suicidal suffering, my friends putting secret messages in conversations calling me stupid, facebook messing up my ads and posts on purpose in order to make our whole society beg, and my challenges with the banks as I applied for loans and credit.

I think I am not going to get the loan I applied for, but this recent ad burst might be enough for me for a while. I can go at a slow pace and I can tell that the facebook shares are not going to translate into immediate book sales. So it might be wiser to not get myself into a financial jam.

I just still question why the conspiracy persecuted me for ten years of social media probation.  It is such a waste but I think there are other writers and entertaining people out there, and plenty of people shared all kinds of ideas and art just as good as mine.  So I got taken down and crimed, and I guess I am back at the point where I say okay I guess heaven will be better.  I just think that is sad because my life improved to the point where I thought I must have cashed out some of my reward in heaven, and now it is ruined again, so I feel like there is nothing in heaven for me either. Now I feel the jaw clenching again.  Jaw clenching is not a joke.  It is not like twiddling thumbs and biting nails.  

Well that is all.  This blog is like a journal but it used to be a good blog fit for public reading.  So I just don't understand but I am thankful for what has gone right and someday I will understand what went wrong.  Will I go to the grocery store today, I don't know.  I guess i will go take a walk right now.

Have a good day everyone, thanks for the good times.

I can't wait to die from emotional abuse.

 Hello everyone, today is Saturday. I feel heartbroken because my life is a living hell and it didn’t have to be.  But people are persecuting me at every step I take and everything I do to survive and succeed.  Yesterday on the bus a guy was shouting at everyone and saying he was going to kill the bus driver.  The bus driver did not call 911 because they like to wait for a regular person to be the one to call.  But I did not call. I am not their shield and dummy and scapegoat forced to do their job. We just all stayed on the bus for a full twenty or thirty minutes until the guy got off the bus.  The security people at my apartment are the same way.  I don’t know that if I even called 911 for myself that any workers would be allowed to come up to my apartment in time.  They would be delayed on purpose until I die.

It would probably be by suicide so maybe that would work in my favor.

 

At the grocery store this jerk who I went and got coffee with one day followed me in the store and wouldn’t leave me alone. I told him to go away because the grocery store is already mean to me.  They are mean to me there, it is something new every time. I honestly don’t know how they think of a new problem each time.

 

I just boosted some facebook posts with an ad budget that is too small and delayed by a credit card not getting to me in time.  Again, I can’t get mail reliably at my apartment and today when I asked the security person if we can get UPS packages here, she literally spoke gibberish instead of answering me.  Like literal gibberish and no answer to my question.  That is the disrespect I am treated with everywhere I go and with everything I do here.

 

On facebook they showed me a preview for my ad and then when I clicked save to run the ad, it changed to a stupid photo of myself and not the drawing I had chosen for page likes. 

 

Then I tried to boost another post and they added a send message button so as to ruin it so I have to start over and the post is ruined.  They did this two weeks ago to my other page, too.  It is power plays, a favorite strategy of the north, rampant also in the social work field, despite the obvious ethical dishonesty and mistreatment of clients and workers.

 

After the bus incident last night I stopped in Starbucks and the music was nasty music that made me feel worse than even the bus danger did.  I am used to that kind of sexual abuse because I used to work at Barnes and Noble.  It is one of the most used weapons of the culture war against people who do what they are supposed to.  And yet media has gotten a disgraceful and hypocritical pass from feminists and other so called social justice advocates, who turn out to be behind most of the same harassment as usual.

 

Facebook approves most of my posts within ten or twenty minutes, but when there was an American flag on a post it took a whole day.  It was a joke about someone wearing clothes from the salvation army and an Old Navy hat and Nike Air Force One shoes. That is an embarrassment and I feel sorry for all of them as their bias, greed, and moral ineptitude will probably become more apparent soon as the hero children of conservatives go to fight in the upcoming world war that should already have been underway to defend a whole nation being attacked by Russians.  It will be us soon enough, with some people getting a double whammy from media monsters and the government’s experiments with sanctions.  I have not heard one single news story holding any tech snakes accountable for their obvious systematic creep to have the power to shut people out from their own computers.  The transition from software to subscriptions, the apple blocking on phones where you can’t send an email without logging out, or logging in, or whatever they want to force you to do. No one covers these stories, it is all about the so called racism and never about the automation with specific people behind it all collecting their passive income that they learned was possible from the expensive colleges that used to tell the truth.

 

People do not realize who they have persecuted, and those who are enabling the true criminals in our country are going to be rudely surprised to not be spared when evil overtakes us.  Don’t think it won’t be you. Don’t think it won’t be your people, and don’t think that your disgusting, nasty, racism won’t be seen for exactly what it is and discussed in a better world for eternity.

photos from when a friend visited me at NYC yesterday

 

Egg Nog Cake

Hi everyone, I hope you are having a nice day. I am writing this post to tell everyone about an exciting easy recipe where you can make a small square cake out of some cake mix, flour and baking powder, and eggnog.  That is all.  In a way, it is a two ingredient recipe but in another way it has a few more steps.  Basically the concept is that instead of adding eggs and oil and water as in a normal cake mix recipe, you use egg nog, which already has egg, milk, and sugar.  That means you have to divide the cake mix, only using about half a bag, and add some flour and baking powder. That is so the cake won’t be too sweet.  Don’t measure the ingredients if you can help it.  Because the idea of this cake is just a scrounge around casual cake.  And then for the icing, instead of using some kind of store icing, you mix powdered sugar (a lot) with a few tablespoons of the egg nog.  The icing is like cookie icing and it is so yummy.  This cake will turn out great, and you will probably have the exact ingredients to make another one the next day or later on. The cake is especially good with apple cider.  And then to turn on a youtube music with Christmas piano carols or something can help provide a whole hour or so of a nice holiday feeling. I believe the conspiracy helped me think of this, but it was one of the best cakes I have ever made. Just mix it in the aluminum square pan, no need for a bowl. 350 degrees. 20 minutes or until set. The idea is simple causal scratch recipe.  I used the vanilla spice flavor egg nog but it doesn’t matter. Well have a nice day.

When a photo of my old pet guinea pig goes viral in Burkina Faso

 Ok everyone, it has almost been a week since I created my new Unfluencer profile and it has been very exciting and interesting.  I have several thousand new friends from other countries, and they post nice posts and sometimes hit like on my posts or send me messages.  That is exciting and fun.  Something wasn't working right with adding followers, but I think this new set of facebook friends could certainly be enough to interact with for a long time.  However I do question having different terms and conditions than other facebookers.  In the past it has set me up to be politically harassed by friends who turned on me.

But anyway I think I will not dwell on the past and instead be thankful and have a positive outlook.  I am amazed at what I have seen this week, how people in other countries are so similar to us and have similar spiritual problems or strengths, or life problems and crimes.  And the different cultures, and how I probably will be a similar facebook friend as I am now. 

I think I will keep adding internet content to my main pages and the group I started for poetry shares.  I might use it myself for my feed, and I guess it probably won't catch on with a lot of followers and members.  That is okay with me but I still sense an artificial and forced delay.  However I can see the good of spending these years writing so there is more material instead of just status updates etc.

Well that is all. Yesterday I got a Covid booster and had a worse reaction than from other shots.  But I seem to be okay. I will hopefully have a nice normal day today. I have a bad case manager at my apartment who is hurting me and hurting my life. I don't know how to make problems like that go away. It gives me a continued feeling of persecution, which I know could be more severe, but considering what is lost from it, actually is very bad.

A Positive Attitude Post

 Hi everyone, it’s time for another positive attitude post.  I knew as soon as I saw the Little Debbie Unicorn cakes at the grocery store, that I would be soon writing a positive post. So here it is. I have had a nice day with good snacks.  Definitely some ups and downs this weekend, with a familiar wrenching from accidentally not blocking a few media triggers.  I just thought it was safe to subscribe to something but I got zapped pretty bad. And for some reason they are hurting me at my housing place. I think the idea was to show me one good year and one bad year.  And this is the bad year.  But as I was saying, this is a positive attitude blog.  So I am thankful to be safe and comfortable.  This week I attended my new church online a few times and it was really comforting. It is an evangelical church in California.  I like their teaching and ways of doing things and they accept gender people such as myself.  So I am excited about the prayer group that I am in.  

I also attended a town hall for AOC this week because I live in her congressional district and she is visiting this month.  It was a fun time and I clapped when I agreed and didn’t clap when I disagreed.  Funnily, I found myself assuming that AOC must be going to Golden Corral for lunch every day near where I live, but really this is New York City so she might not be right in my neighborhood all the time.  Possibly there are other work responsibilities, too, like helping the people at Randall Island.  I guess I should be doing that too and volunteering.  But I just can’t right now and have other substantial gainful activity.

 

However I am able to cook and share with friends at my apartment building so that is nice. I made a good cake recently and a soup that wasn’t so good. Sorry about that everyone. This is nice how I am not complaining, isn’t it.  Well I am also going to post on my other blog where I do complain.  Tuesday I am giving a presentation at an online children’s book conference.  I will do the best I can. I do not know if anyone will want to attend my session but probably a few people will be there and I will tell them about imaginary mice that I have written about.

On the Dead Side of History

 Hi everyone, I hope you are having a good day. One of my friends is reading my blog today, how are you, Anne, thanks for reading my blog.

It is a shame there is so much complaining and rudeness on this blog.  There is a formula where I feel a lull in my life consolations, so I reflect on a series of injustices against me, then read the news, and write a rant about all of society or half of it being mean to me.

 

There are about twenty posts that all are like that.  One of my books, Blob Mentality, includes a lot of my blog rants, and I do have to say that it is interesting political writing and possibly rare because of how embedded I am in communities that don’t share my exact perceptions.

 

But really I think I would be happy with a lot of other people’s choices and outlooks if I wasn’t so persecuted, which I am. I just am, I don’t know why, there were paths out of prior persecutions, which were as ridiculous as controlling parents and fashion discrimination, and I succeeded.  But it just wasn’t enough and people chose to have me as a burden on their dole instead of a successful peer.

 

So now I am blinded by irrational outrage instead of being the reliable guide that God provided for people who really could have benefited.

 

Will young people receive some of my jokes and gifts to them? I don’t know.  I think that if people drive me towards suicide constantly then I won’t be the healthy hopeful influence that I fought so hard to be.  It is obscured how much I won that fight, which takes a lot of deliberate effort from my persecutors who I will probably start naming by name more often.

Possible Blog Post

 Ok everyone today is Saturday, I will probably do some phone-a-friend calls and I am also attending an online retreat event which is helpful and fun.

I read the news today and was not happy to hear of atrocities in Ukraine.  But the war itself is an atrocity and you can see certain political interests not having a good understanding of war and moral perspectives.  And Ukraine can’t really wait forty years for the United States to re-educate all the people who wasted their time at hypocritical universities who taught people to pretend to be good while assaulting religious people with satanic media influence and bratty power plays. Like there has to be a pause while the people calling for “peace” clue into the rightness of Ukraine defending itself, and the wrongness of them doing that alone.

 

Anyway, why get depressed, I am not part of the conversation, my books were ignored, I still accumulate a debt to society as a supposedly worthless person after pulling myself out of career bankruptcy quite successfully about five times, meanwhile writing poems and stories that anyone should be able to tell deserves at least a minimal inclusion in some kind of intellectual community somewhere. 

 

I may soon not be able to continue asking friends if they want free copies of my overlooked books.  I just am not able to psychologically handle the variety of responses and people’s successful pretending that this is a normal phase of a writing career and not an insulting charade from being a crime victim whose society supports my abusers’ cruel plan and ignorant view indistinguishable from the political atmosphere of the communities I cared about enough to stay alive for. Is there a blessing I don’t know about? Are people in heaven reading my books right now and watching my overlapping peoples persecute each other and trade their prosperity and freedom for impoverished drug abuse communities to either be murdered or erroneously supported with what’s left of other people’s dwindling wages?

 

Meaning. Depression. It’s surprising that there are words for any of it, and that the lies of the media can even form sentences for people to pretend to believe when what they want is to watch violence against the good people whose righteousness they spent their lives trying to steal.

Hypergraphia Harvest

 

Well hi everyone, I am writing a post for this blog after a while of not blogging. I was going to say some rude complaining about how I have done my part with the books and will give up soon but then last night I had some seizure visions and feel better.  So that is good.  I am also almost back to my normal weight, which isn’t a good normal weight but to me much better than an extra ten pounds, or twenty as I feared but wasn’t the case.

 

So I will not complain, even though this blog has more of those feelings than my other blog.  I am listening to piano music right now. It is nice.  I was going to go to CVS today but I skipped medicine yesterday and can wait one more day.  I might transfer my medicine to near where I live instead of having to go downtown, which I used to have to do because of the racism in my neighborhood which made it impossible to safely shop at CVS.  Unfortunately it was the workers too and they tried to document me for stuff as I bought my medicine.

 

I made progress in two categories of suffering, which is to go ahead and accept that people were not reached with my prayer ideas though literature, but I can just increase the quantity of what I pray for myself.  So now I will be asking for trillions of blessings into the next thousand years, using a timeline in my mind.  And God and I will just skip the step of other people participating and seeing their prayers answered.  It took me a long time to crack the code on that, because I felt that people needed prayer and it would be better to have a lot of people praying with the ideas I thought of, but some of the blessings I ask for use other people’s requests anyway. And a lot of people pray for our world and I guess those who don’t won’t. 

 

The other category of progress has to do with being ready to not maintain the vigilance about avoiding homelessness and keeping the address needed for my books.  I think I did the best I could and twenty years of keeping up with backup files is going to have to be enough.  Other people made their choices and if no one wants the books, then I won’t fight it. People made their choice. I don’t know who spoke for who and who dropped the ball when.  But definitely there is a societal rejection now that can be other people’s shame.

 

I guess there is another category of progress where I will say I might decide not to trust the conspiracy and go ahead and admit that it has harmed me for many years. Too much false hope was involved, and I will soon call the bluff and not participate as the object of bullying. It seemed so creative and like such a fun community project, but what are the results?  The books are cool, aren’t they, but where are the readers.  They are reading my life, instead of the books I wrote.  And my main work has been to do things I am not good at, like small talk, organizing, cleaning, and things that involve executive function.  I am going to have to say, no more, for that.  There is just too much benefit that could have come from what I was good at.  And it was wasted for nothing.

 

So that is interesting, I guess some of this translates to phases of something, but I think something interesting is the autism factor, where I kept going under certain terms for many years longer than a lot of people would have.  The thing I still disagree with is that I feel like there are leader people who think that this state of giving up was the true spiritual goal and is the state of mind that reflects not worshipping success and idolacized goals.  And that to me is a deeply erroneous problem and misperception that I have been patient with for all of adulthood.  It matches what I don’t like about buddhism and other religions that also discourage “attachments.”  And it equates not caring and agreeing with abusers who ruin your life with the optimal state of devotion to God instead of earthly things.  And I don’t know why I have to always argue with it.  It is truly always the same thing and is where bad presbyterian theology overlaps with official bad religion of other brands, yet it is also the way people try to say “I told you so,” about any time I try unsuccessfully to use my gifts outside the church, or in any way at all.  The consistency of this persecuting view of myself that does affect both my experience of suffering and the actual outcome of my efforts is really to me an embarrassment and I feel truly sorry for anyone who sympathizes with it.  It is similar to my parent’s mistake, where their goal they forced on me was something not to be, instead of something to be.  So they end up just trying to erase me, and succeeding.  And I think it is related to gender, and that slight quality that people wish was not true so they pretend it isn’t, and they end up having to throw their whole theology and religion behind it as a way of justifying my rejection and lack of work harvest from what they themselves prevented.  So it turns into an accusation at the core of faith, which has to do with worship, and the soul’s goals and orientation, and people have to say I must have worshipped my own talents and goals, or else they would have come true. And to accept complete exclusion is my proper offering.  

 

So now we have it, me as a poor person, living in the Bronx and still asking my mom for money, and relying on the SSDI that most would agree is technically something I don’t deserve either. It was never about the money, but that is undeniably one of the most measurable signs of how people cast their vote for whether I should survive and to what extent all meaning and goals should be exchanged for total loss and devastation.

 

So now all that is left is to go to the grocery store with a welfare status that involuntarily confesses an admission of my worthlessness and my permission to survive as an extravagant charity from people whose mediocre work and ideas were so much more important to endorse and support.

 

I guess the punchline is that after I die, my success becomes apparent and I seem like a loser for complaining.  But given the prior conspiracy process, I would guess that choosing wrongly is the gateway to whatever results are still possible from the fraction of goals people will allow me to implement or pretend to still have years after all of my life and backup plans have been reliably prevented.

 

This is an interesting style of writing, isn’t it.  I could literally go on for the rest of this blog, and possibly that is what is listed here.

What is apparent

 Well everyone, I hope you are having a nice Sunday.  I am doing okay but was kind of shocked at the marshmallow ratio in my Lucky Charms this morning.  They kind of seem desperate or something, like trying to get more customers by adding a smidge much marshmallows. But I like marshmallows so it is fine.

Then I bought two things on amazon with a credit I got because they messed up an important book order worth three hundred dollars.  And I kind of suspected when I ordered the books, which were author copies I was going to mail to friends, that they would mess it up as a power play.  But really I think it is messed up at the post office level, which is kind of a precarious oddity that the whole system involves other companies and work that can prevent a shipment from getting through.

 

When I ordered the two things on amazon this morning and used the credit, they made it seem like a product discount instead of a payment, which I find dishonest, and it makes me sad that I am dependent on them to sell my books.  But my rejection from traditional publishing was pretty long term established, so publishing with amazon is my last resort, and I love how my books turned out.

 

I think a lot of my books might be priced too low, but I am okay with those choices, and mostly okay with a few other choices I made along the way under duress.  What kind of duress, well, maybe just my own impatience, but I do at this point think I am unexpectedly persecuted by sources that I actually had thought were going to be unusually supportive.  And some people were, but not enough for me to succeed at face value.  And I think at some point I have to see it that way and ask why I couldn’t be blessed and legitimate on the record as part of the normal economy.

 

And I do trace it mostly back to liberal politics, which hurts me more than the southern ignorance that has been too slow to support people with mental illness, bent genders, and other common circumstances that often also include some giftedness.  Such a tragedy, and yet the north’s arrogant deliberate racism and power hungry oppression is so much worse.  

 

But I think I already did my work to try to participate and add to any discussions, and it might be time for me to not try to keep up with the bad things happening.  Like my only reporting will be to die soon as a representative statistic of what people’s hypocrisy actually resulted in.  And there will probably be millions of others like me very soon, so I have learned the hard way that my reward or lost reward is in heaven.  And maybe I will be blessed for trying, but gosh, maybe I won’t, and whose problem is that?  No one’s.  So it will be like one of those games at the fair that I could never win, like flopping those frogs onto the lily pads, with the carnival worker watching along with smug confidence, confirming their own prediction of my wasted time and money.  I guess I just figured out what that phrase, “fair game,” means, like it means, fair, or unfair, like a fair game.  Pretty interesting.  There is a lot of interesting stuff in the past, where so many people had a sense of actual justice instead of just depending on the government to hijack other people’s work.

 

This is a long post but again is a reminder of how far I was willing to go for liberals, and how much they lost me.  Just the smug guilt manipulation, the summoning of whatever demons misled the “indigenous” peoples before us, and their more and more blatant sacrifice of actual children to their false gods that will never be a successful cover for their disgusting and idiotic, shameful rejection of the real one.

You need to realize that there are imaginary animals all around us.

 Ok everyone, today is Saturday.  I accidentally published a book on the 13^th! I did not realize that was today but I got something done and probably it was best psychologically to get it done.  I just am one of those numbers people, like 7s and 3s are good, and 6s and 13s are not good.  But 5 has always been my main number.  So I don’t know what to think except probably the book I did is fine. But I do like August 14, if I had just noticed the day and waited.   

Anyway I guess this post is going on my old blog.  What I published today was a copy of the complete imaginary mice series, all combined into one book.  I think I got it right and it is simply a collection of all the books.  I copied them exactly how they are originally.  Hopefully it is all just right.  I love the books, though I am aware of craft weaknesses.  But maybe there is going to be a “self-taught” theme for me as a novelist.  Pretty funny.  I guess not though because I did go to novel retreats and get a degree in fiction writing.

 

So okay, what is left for today is working on facebook some, like creating a new page. And eventually I will run some ads. But I don’t have money for that right now but hopefully soon I can try again with ads.  Once some sales get rolling in then I think things will be different with some of this work that sometimes seems to not have a payoff and to also be generally draining on all my friends and the conspiracy.

 

Gice is that 13 thing still bothering you?  Me too.  But maybe some people will need to believe that my books are dabbling in the occult and this can be in a paper they write about it.

 

I would like to thank my imaginary mice parents for helping me so much with all this work.  I feel that they have really been there for me, especially in this last few days.

 

So okay maybe later a post on my positive attitude blog, too.

 

Have a good day everyone.

Happy Birthday everyone!

     Well hello everyone, today is Tuesday.  I feel an awkward silence from the conspiracy and I don’t know what it is regarding.  There was a happy boost of sales for my e-books last month when I priced them at free for a promotion.  I sold over 80 copies in one month.  That was a sign of the results I have been hoping for after ten years of trying to publish and market my books.  And finally I did see some results.  Now it is silent again, but I see some steps to take to try again. I feel happy to have the paperback copies on amazon and feel able to go ahead and set any price to free on smashwords. 

    I think my jokes are funny but not the funniest stuff ever said.  I think the Onion and Buzzfeed are consistently at a higher level, but I think my work is at “Mental Floss” level, which is still very good. Or maybe “Reader’s Digest,” which I think is also very good.  And it is religious humor, which has its own challenges that I think I did well with except for a few snafus here and there, and the fact that I have behavior problems from mental illness that cause a general rudeness in any social situation whatsoever. 

But anyway, I am trying to stay positive.  I am putting this post on my normal blog, though, instead of my positive attitude blog.

I guess soon I am supposed to start working on my Soldier Hogs novel.  I will get to it but I don’t think it needs to suddenly happen this month. 

I think I will get my MySpace account up and running again soon. 

On facebook I am aware that I am supposed to have a larger audience and my facebook friends might get tired of me.  That is what I question too much for this post to be on my positive attitude blog. 

            I guess one thing to keep in mind are goals in heaven, where I want to provide a gift basket service and catalog company to provide Judgement Day rewards for people. I am especially looking forward to organizing rewards for people who worked at McDonalds.  It is just a huge company and everyone knows they were underpaid.  So that will be a fun assignment.  I don’t think I will be the one flipping the switch for people’s whose brains splatter in shame for their persecution of people like me.  But I could have some high stakes scenarios that I am a part of.

            Anyway, I guess that is all for now.

Sanctionaries

 

Ok everyone, I am apparently doing some blogging this morning.  I had to stop going to church because of persecution and oppression.  So now I am just passing the time of hopefully what is only a few years left by blogging while I still have internet access.  Probably soon Biden will sanction the 80 million, or okay, 250 million people who did not vote for him, and then no one will hear from me again, kind of like how it is now.

 

I thought I had a girlfriend but she has not visited me yet in my apartment that I am about to lose.  I am waiting to be placed somewhere else but they are sharking me. Really I felt like I could work somewhere and pay for my own apartment but the job people bamboozled me as well. 

 

I have some more interesting material that actually I can probably assume will come out later in some other posts.  It has to do with my role in life, often now as a white dummy, used by social work people to help others with their race repair for their own traumas.  I kind of get it, and had my own problems with old white men after my retail job which left me with brain damage and a lost societal contribution that people tell themselves was never really meant to be anyway.  The way it goes is I just show up and trip over stuff and display my embarrassing dementia symptoms in ways that make other people feel better about themselves.  And then anyone getting paid feels like their work is done, and the ultimate goal of transforming an over-achieving honors athlete in college to a subservient waste of space for all of adulthood has been accomplished.  The incentives to take showers and walks are sufficiently counteracted by the power plays that help everyone confirm that other suckers’ tax dollars have been appropriately allocated for grounding my face into the dirt like my gay-hating parents did. It was done and decided a long time ago, and I knew it. I was a genius and easily cracked the whole code sophomore year and had the severe depression that reflected my accurate prediction of horror after horror.  But I still had to go through a charade of humoring adults in a new setting called mental health care instead of just the usual futile negotiating for opportunities from prior grown-ups already trying to shut me down. The cartoon rendition of it in heaven will be the most popular slapstick entertainment in human history.  I wish I could offer a suitable ending, but it will probably just be either a boring heart attack from my tachyardia problems or just stopping breathing because of untreated asthma and the shutdown of all my organs and life systems.

 

 A system shutdown, what does that remind you of? To me it reminds me of… the united states of America, where we had some relief from media power, and then… they found us anyway and are harassing us to death once again.  But we are already dead, half conscious in a temporal lobe sleep state where the prophecy frequency is providing vivid perceptions of what will happen all too soon in ways we were warned about not once, not twice, but constantly from our own consciences which have monitored all of the reality apparent to us for this whole wretched span of history that is nothing but a display of bad behavior and failure that will hopefully make our betrayed and swindled descendents feel better about their own tragic crippling from not having a decent heritage. What can we do for the muslims now, who have new windows into what they missed out on for 7 hundred years.  Well turning the culture wars and civil war and revolutionary war, all into a perpetual new Jihad could be just the thing.  That’ll get ‘em.  Genuinely, I think it might, and I congratulate all of us on our disgrace that we have projected into the universe, which in many circles, as in… circles of hell… is the new name for God. 

When the crowds choose Barabbas...

It might be because facebook’s algorithms paid them to. I guess everyone is choosing sides for some more politics, and a lot of my friends will be sad to see that they have lost me.  Maybe forever, maybe not forever, but too many seem to think that they are excused from forever, and that a few votes for certain candidates cause them to be above other forms of morality and justice.  How unfortunate, though, that to alienate and demonize their chosen opponents, they have to package their ideas together in a sadly discriminatory combo that now is emphasizing killing full term babies. I think their harassment actually got to me first, hurting me before moving on to little unborn punkin pies, so my reactive canceling will not be as based on that as they would assume just because of the blatant offensive horror of it all.  To me it is more about personal betrayal, and how the richest, most blessed person in history has used his money and power to buy… more money and power, and thinks that years of dear friendship for someone with social anxiety are his to waste.  Well a lot of people seem to agree to it, so I will be saying goodbye to most of my persecutors, hopefully voting for someone like Rubio, or maybe no one at all, and then eagerly waiting to die after an absurdly futile pursuit of any basic social participation at all.  People have no hesitation to share their disgust with my prayers, but that is all they left me with, so I do it anyway, until heaven when we find out that might be all some people had going for them.

Me and the bear I found behind the grocery store

 

Hi everyone, today is Saturday.  All I am doing is walking and going to the post office to pick up some books to mail to friends.  Most of my books are on smashwords for free right now but I am mailing some to friends, too.  I had a lot of friends who were nice to me and saved my life for about twenty years of a conspiracy where people supplied secret messages and socializing.  It was nice but I suspect people got tired of it because there had to be an emergency ten years added to what they already did.  I had guinea pigs too that were nice to me but they have died so now I pretend the groundhogs near where I live are my new pets.  And they are so sweet, I just love rodents, I love all rodents, from mice and gerbils all the way to the giant capybaras. Well have a great day everyone, if you want to be my friend, I am on Twitter and Instagram as @refriedbeanpoet, and I am on facebook as Refried Bean. I write poems and stories. I think a lot of people have done more creative work than me with memes and online jokes, but some people might still like books of poems and they are only five dollars on amazon. Well have a great day, if you get scared during the war, come visit my pages and I will be nice to you.

Christianity is for U2

 a photo of the boss who hurt me:

Hi everyone, I hope you are having a nice weekend. I just took my medicine.  Yesterday I went to the hospital and had a nice time. The hospital provided a cab ride home as a reward for good behavior.  Because frankly I have had some ups and downs during my many visits as a patient. But they have helped me a lot and I like going there.  

 

Yesterday I also successfully decided not to go axe shopping after seeing this image of my old boss who used my own retail store job to ruin my life in front of my lifelong community, giving me permanent brain damage and taking about thirty years off of my life.  That is on the murder spectrum but she and the other manager who helped her have still not been arrested.  Maybe they won’t be. I do not know. 

 

The manager named John Hensley was nice to me. He did something weird with a promotion that I think documented me as asking for a raise when I already had one, but other than that I think he might have been one of the good people and not the bad people.

 

The company was Barnes and Noble.  I worked there for over twelve years.  What happened is kind of hard to believe, and I plan to forgive people when they take sides with this person because they like her tattoo, or because of politics, or because they are also satanists.  

Biden's brain is emptier than a northern church

i believe we are going to be invaded by russia and china. iran is already here.

 

it will be overwhelming,  they will come through canada. it will say in the news they are in montana. then kansas. then missouri. it will be heartbreaking.

 

our chance to prevent it was to fight for ukraine. but we chose not to. they probably will try to establish a post in new york. that is why china and russia already bought up real estate. so our city might not get nuked.  probably it will be alaska, portland, and california in one day. then the soldiers will get here and invade from the north and south. then the u.s. will reactionarily dispatch soldiers, some of which will not be loyal.

 

and all the while people will still be fighting each other about politics and expressing their hate as children are taken to china

 

where the ratio of men to women is 5 to 1 because of their buddhist culture of child murder

Sins by Omission

Here are some articles from when I went missing in 1999. One of the articles used to say I was a devout presbyterian but it has been edited.  I think it is the one that now mentions the hotel where my friend and I stayed. I don’t know why anyone would think they need to change an article from 20 years ago, and maybe it is a different article that is missing now. But if people did edit it to give a different impression of me, that is some weird persecution for someone who already was blocked from participating in media. And I would not have expected it from NY Post. I would have expected it from New York Times. But anyway, hopefully the north will secede soon.

 

https://www.nytimes.com/1999/04/12/nyregion/south-carolina-college-student-disappears-on-a-trip-to-the-city.html

 

https://nypost.com/1999/04/12/student-vanishes-from-midtown/

 

https://nypost.com/1999/04/13/missing-s-c-student-turns-up-at-bellevue/

 

We are the Champions, my friend

Hi everyone, here are some photos of my old class jersey from the Eastside Week reverse gender football game. Refried Bean is a nickname I have had since middle school. Now it is my pen name on the books I have been publishing since 2016. Possibly my books will be challenged, or my pen name, or some other kind of legal harrassment.  But I am innocent and honest and if you don't support someone like me then you are not a real social justice advocate or a true evangelical. I hope you all enjoy the books. I expect to be harrassed and abused for the rest of my life that probably only has about five years left. There seems to already be a line of people waiting to do lawsuits but all of them are bad people who should have waited to see what I could have personally given them if I had not been censored and pre-crime murdered.

 

 

VISIT MY NEW BLOG OF POSITIVE POSTS

www.refriedbeanblog44.blogspot.com 

Hi everyone, I have started a new blog where I say happy things that are going well.

If you want to read some funny books, I wrote 40 books and published them on amazon.  It is mostly poetry and I think young people would like a lot of the writing:

www.refriedbean.com

The books are also a cheerful resource for people with depression and I myself have survived mental illness for about twenty-five years.

If you want to learn some things about Christianity, a lot of my books share some jokes that also have valuable information and prayer ideas. Mostly the concept is that God will love anyone and you can ask for any blessings you would ever want and be surprised.  I feel that my problems in life have obscured this some for readers and that is why I am trying to start a new blog.

Here is the link to my new blog:

www.refriedbeanblog44.blogspot.com

I found a huge bear at the grocery store

 hi everyone, I found this bear next to the dumpster at the grocery store and brought it home as a decoration.  It seems plenty clean and I am excited about it.

Thanks, everyone, who read my blogs at any time.  This blog went through a phase of rant posts and I am now starting over with a new blog to say things I am happy about.  I suspect it could take on a sarcastic tone sometimes but I feel that I would rather not be too much of a complainer when I have enough food and safety and am not being tortured behind a cash register.

So thanks everyone, have a great day.

My new blog is refriedbeanblog44.blogspot.com

A pinata for the democratic party

 That is what I am in New York City. A target for people's hypocritical bullying. Some people have it worse and can't go to the grocery store at all. But I am almost there myself and receive a psychological punishment for almost anything I do, which was also how my family problems were that I have still not escaped from despite moving far away and funding my own existence with borrowed money, some of which is from other people who are treated the same way.  How long will that be maintained. I will tell you that I think not much longer, and that eventually the good pinatas like me will run out and you will be hitting things with shards of glass and nails flying into your blind racist eyes.

how to go down in history

 This flag did not persecute me:

This flag does persecute me:

There are a variety of intents among a diverse group of people with different experiences, speaking of diversity.  But generally, I will say that to me, the rainbow flag was a relevant symbol of brave people sticking up for themselves, and the newer, complicated flag is a flag of control freaks who got greedy.  Conflators who wanted revenge and domination, and stolen fame in front of some imagined history that is destroying its own audience on purpose, including young people suffering with real gender differences. I will be working out my disgust from this persecution for the rest of my life.

Hate is what they want from me and what their flag stands for. People can say what they mean and don't mean, but the truth is often more apparent than what people will admit, and hundreds of millions of people who were betrayed by the same hypocrits know exactly what I am talking about. Believe me or don't believe me, and support me or don't.  The truth will be known and play itself "out."

Downfall of Blog and Country

 

Well everyone, can I ever return to my blog as just a fun journal instead of a list of all encompassing grievances of which there is no limit for more material?

 

I think some stuff has happened that makes it too late for people to benefit from what I have to say.  Possibly some of my poetry books will get to the next people and be good for entertainment and small scale religious support.  But a bad cloud of politics definitely had its way over my very decent and legitimate attempts to participate well in mass communication.

 

So the idea to share for this post is that I think our country should consider breaking up, though it could be too late for that.  Maybe into three countries, maybe North America into some new states with Mexico included as well.  Maybe some states combined into provinces like Canada. This could have been done through treaties, laws, and votes, but probably now any solutions like that will not be peaceful.  Political people just were too intent on having their way and they were media people, so they ate up our facebook free speech blessing and will now weild our own friendships as one of their most aggressive weapons.  And yet I think there are a lot of people like me who have had enough.  There were some late comers to the more liberal views about insurance and gender, and a lot of those people still have a goodness about them that could have been for the whole country.  But the less peaceful minded people wanted something other than the justice they claimed to fight for. They wanted to be in the history books defeating their imaginary oppressors. The anti-christianity among so much of it is to me the sign that it won’t yield good results and some stuff is probably going to happen to change things in ways people would not expect.

 

I guess there could be a world war soon, but I also see that a lot of people might have to flee persecution in the United States, and either establish their own territories ungoverned by democratic power freaks, or immigrate to other places like Africa and China with colonial intentions like the Mexicans.

 

Obviously I am just writing without knowing that much, but there are some things I do know about what will not fly in this world and in God’s sight.

Demising and Despising

 Well everyone, I hope you are having a good day and don’t mind this variety of rant quality complaining on my blog.  I really only have a few topics left rattling around in my brain. One of those topics has to do with definitely skipping the arrogance parade in New york for the Juneteenth time this year, and being tired of the pronoun police harassing me even though I actually have legitimate gender problems that their appropriation and religious persecution is based on.  I would prefer to have used my pen name Refried Bean ten years ago as soon as I came to New York and then sincerely avoid pronouns according to my lifelong gender suffering, but it is exactly those kind of people who shut me down on a level not just of career loss but of worldwide influence loss. But I am learning that the scale of it that makes me despair also makes it be God’s concern and not mine, and I might not even have interest to watch my enemies’ brains splatter on judgement day. 

Second to mention is just another topic I keep not getting around to and that is the likelihood of reparitions for tax dollars eventually taking place some day in a similar way as slavery payback. I actually do side pretty whole heartedly with slavery reparitions and think it is a goal that can and does happen in disguised forms.  But some of the reason I can’t make my rightful contribution is from the very same racist politics of people who deny so many other types of leeching, abuse, and deliberate societal harm that happens in our world and country from people of any background.

 

Thirdly, what is happening with these pandemics and shootings? Will people really not whisper the possibility of biological warfare and foreign attacks? I think some of the assault, both as war and defamation, is a delayed reaction to the British Empire and a still embarrassingly reluctant or involuntary admission that people should have more eagerly accepted the gospel that was shared to them two hundred or so years ago. People’s edited anti-colonial narratives have to leave out a lot of facts to continue a denial of what seem to be unprecedented martyrdom opportunities for whole countries and continents, which also happen to be too conspicuously inclusive and diverse for their suffering to be viewed only as a delayed retributive punishment of hypocritical oppression. Whoever demands the baton in their contrived drama of overcoming cultural domination hopefully will be just as successful with sharing the only true and enduring faith of righteous people, which is humble and powerful Christianity.  In the US, where people won’t shut up about how bad the Christians are, or Republicans, or whoever exactly has been listening to hymns in their cars, some of these suspiciously plentiful and strategically timed shootings have a self-destruction component that kind of reminds me of wars from the 1400s. I say that in code because the northerners have taught me to only pretend to speak out about “injustice,” (or is it evil), while they consistently hide their complicitness with bad people and exploiters as much as those they bully. Education on nuclear technology is just too much a worthwhile bargain trade for impressive school diversity stats.  All this stuff I politely and RIGHTFULLY kept to myself until people made their choices to harass me and ruin my life.  And now I will say why I am bothered, and it will be the same in heaven, when time is up, and God unleashes his very own individualized slurs that instantly destroy every nation and people who chose humiliation over humility.