Extra New Years Post

     Well everyone, I am doing three New Year’s Eve posts on this blog, because the next one could seem controversial to some people, and I want to either start or end on a good note.  Do you guys have any New Year’s resolutions?  I like thinking of resolutions each year.  I think it is because I am really ambitious and feel motivated to achieve things.  One year when I was working at Barnes and Noble, my New Year’s resolution was to give people higher high fives, you know, like when you are giving someone five and you can do a high five instead of a low five or a medium five?  Well that year, they hired a really tall person named Jeff, who gave really high fives, and I almost had to jump sometimes to do a high five if something interesting happened at work.  I think that also probably has helped my New Year’s resolution stats.

     This year, I will repeat the same resolution as the last few years, which is to try not to curse at people. I actually have been doing really well and recovering a lot from the trauma symptoms that made me more provokable. As you will read in my next post, there is no shortage of people trying to bother me.  But I am feeling a lot more like my old patient self, and soon I might be in no danger at all of saying any of the slurs people try to get me to say.

   Anyway, I think I will try to have some other goals and resolutions, like taking the MSW licensing test, successfully sharing blog posts and book links on Facebook, participating in group mental health treatment somewhere, and trying to clean my apartment a little bit.  Also, I think I will go to the YMCA and try to lose ten pounds. I mean why not. That is not a boring goal, and a lot of times, you end up eating yummier food on a diet anyway.  For me, that is what always happens, and then I get excited and start eating pancakes all the time. Then, the diet is over.  Well have a great New Years everyone and please send me some cash sometime.

Happy New Year's Eve

Well everyone, I hope you are doing great and having a Happy New Year’s Eve. I am staying home as usual, and I am looking forward to eating some yummy food by myself.  I am going to make some rice krispy treats, and I just finished making a Mexican bean dip.  It is yummy, but I used a guacamole spicy dip instead of just guacamole, and that messes up the flavor a little bit.  But I think it is still yummy.  At my grocery store, people often get in my way on purpose and block the aisles as a form of harassment.  I think it is because of racism or as some kind of defense of the neighborhood.  I don’t know if it is based on other identity factors besides my race, like my mental illness, or my loneliness from autism and gender problems. It could be more political and have to do with me being an American citizen having the audacity to live in an apartment in… the United States of America.  A lot of my neighbors make dog noises at me when I walk down the street, or spit near my feet.  But the most common thing is to get in my way as I walk down the street.  Sometimes as many as twenty or thirty people can bother me on purpose within one trip to the grocery store or coffee shop.  I do not know who all everyone is affiliated with. There are a lot of “social justice warriors” in New York City, who to me are sometimes so unreasonably hypocritical that it almost seems like a psychiatric problem.  Some of that philosophy is very supported by the social work school that I went to in order to try to become trained to help mentally ill people.  So I often feel the persecution from more powerful sources when the people in my neighborhood succeed in ruining my day and life. It is sad because I do not have anywhere else to go.  I have to live in New York right now because of the emotional abuse from where I came from, and because of the seizure disorder that makes it too much of a legal risk to drive.

    Anyway, is that too depressing to share on New Year’s Eve? I usually keep it to myself because I have thought that if I got famous as a writer, my neighborhood would be in danger when some people find out how I was treated.  But I am not sure anyone would do anything. Some people view me in a category negatively with a lot of other people in this city, and they are glad to let us all self-destruct together. I just try to get some good praying done and regain some peace and happiness when I can and be thankful whenever anyone is nice to me.  

A New Year's Prayer

Dear God, please choose daily one hundred crowds of one hundred people, all from throughout their lives, and assign them a trillion scheduled happy provisions for any possible network plus all the people who watched the same shows as they did at any time, plus the people of the time periods that those people’s teachers knew about, plus ten wild card bonus group selections, and give them 44 billion salvation trail provision assortments with a hundred unlosable keys to the mountain doors of eternal store inventory assembly headquarters.  Please view the social force layer groups providing the blessings and civilization benefits with an extra consideration and create a new recipient foundation that includes those people and four hundred million people each who ever made similar choices as them, had similar interests, said something related to a topic they presented in official contexts, or hundred hundred hundred. Please rank all of the people and a thousand generations in one million lists according to a thousand criteria with concessions and future justice and role considerations, and commission a neverending blessings sequence theme for each listing, with additional recipient categories and  a distribution of bonus variations and extra interpretation resources among anyone in related societies or communities with inclusion extension and translated consumable extras. Please smatter five hundred trillion merit-based, grace-based, and mercy-based jackpots among all people ever, with friend provision and food and love prioritized and increasing in places of unacknowledged suffering, adding an inverse formula and four hundred complicated graph patterns governing extra increase and delivery of supplies in fifty categories such as intangible, common, unexpected, edible, indestructible, or recurring. Please save 500 million more people from death and hell in Jesus’s name, with faith being shared among anyone who can give more from offering the credit to also be transformed into understanding and associated or resulting yields times 5000 plus a nonmentioned restart of the most light high bright for people not included in the main route of service in four thousand city groups with connections to help provide prize package 63 space edition all-include loops given to anyone who would add that to their own surprise list ordered without possibility of skipovers. Please forgive us for all of our sins and make each quantifiable material and time-oriented label cooperation admissible into the count machine that can construct a hundred map sequence thousand thousand thousand ticker grid indicator patterns for 500 dimensional or kingdom-location unpredictable blessing generators. Thank you for all the great things that have happened to anyone and please help us do what we are supposed to and share food and love and life with all people and animals possible through the righteous faith and forgiveness of Jesus Christ.

A possible new documentary series

    Well everyone, this is my third post in a row.  The other two posts I wrote were kind of traumatizing for all of us, I think, so for this post I will try to calm everyone down with some normalcy.  What should I write about?  I did not think of it ahead of time and am just writing.  Maybe this post could have to do with how I am cooking some scallops later, with butter, lemon, and garlic.  I might try to make a lemon butter sauce, which is something I tried in restaurants before. It was my favorite food- shrimp and scallops with lemon butter sauce.  I ate it about four times, at a restaurant called Bonefish and a restaurant called Carrabas.  Now I will see if I can achieve the same thing on my own.  I wonder if I should buy some shrimp.  Hmm. That could be a good idea.  The scallops are thawing in the refrigerator. I think that God is helping me get through some health problems that mean I need to try to eat better when I can.  But I have recovered some and ate some potato casserole today that has the normal ingredients that I like best, which are sour cream, cheese, and cream of chicken soup. You can mix all that together to put in a chicken enchilada, too, with shredded chicken from a rotisserie chicken, in a flour tortilla and then baked in the oven for about 20 minutes.

    Do you guys think it is good to blog about the legal sharks? I think I might start doing some videos when it happens, and share a little commentary with the legal sharks in the background.  It is a very interesting time we are living in, with everything being on video, and surveillance cameras everywhere, and people with smart phones that can record things, too, and the background of internet and social media where things can be shared with thousands of people, or a smaller number of exactly the people you would care about.  It is like a threat of any mistake becoming part of your permanent impression on anyone, but I think that in the end, we have to see it as the opposite, and as an assurance that nothing has to be permanent, and any disgrace can fade into a noisy, meaningless background as people in heaven get to know each other on different terms and with an attention that makes everyone totally unaware of things on earth that seemed like they could never be lived down.

Koala Emergency

    Ok everyone, I am writing another post that is also about a sad topic, and it has to do with the koala emergency in Australia.  There are terrible fires there, and thousands of koalas have died and are still suffering.  People estimated that 480 million animals have died.  I honestly can almost not believe that, and it shakes me up and will permanently affect my whole worldview.  

    Some people think animals don’t get resurrected like how people can, but I think animals can live again, and most people will be reunited with their pets someday. I have to wonder why God wants 480 million healed and comforted animals in heaven. Just recently I was praying and asking God to give everyone imaginary angel animals like the mice and rabbits and dogs who help me get through each day.  Maybe he is going to give a lot of suffering and stressed people some comforting koala spirit animals or guardian angel friends to help us through the next part of life.  Or maybe there are a lot of people dying and suffering all over the world, and some of the animals are going to be therapy animals for people recovering in heaven. Or maybe there is about to be a war and horrible suffering soon, and  animals are being comforted and trained to be angel animals for the living, or pet therapy animals for those who end up in heaven.  480 million is a lot.  It is koalas and kangaroos, probably mice and squirrels and birds, and definitely many of people’s favorite animals ever.

    People say it is so inappropriate to say a theory like that, but all I can say is that I do think there is a good purpose behind everything, and I won’t refrain from trying to guess what happiness could come from a tragedy like this that honestly is one of the worst, saddest things I have ever heard of.

That let down feeling after christmas and being stalked and harassed by legal intimidation from your old retail job

     Well everyone, today is Dec 28. Yesterday was the birthday of some childhood friends, Hadley and Elizabeth.  December 20 was the birthday of other childhood friends, Susan and Jeremy.  I remember those days not because of facebook but because sometimes you know that stuff when you are a kid and those days become like extra holidays in some way.

     I had a mostly good Christmas except for people hurting me in the usual ways. I genuinely don’t understand why the conspiracy does certain stuff to me year after year.  But I ate some good food and felt safe in my apartment.  Yesterday at Petco, a guy pretended to look at the pet snacks behind me and scanned me up and down for several minutes, trying to make me feel violated.  It was very similar to what people did to me when I worked at Barnes and Noble, and to the constant violation and harassment that was maximized during my last two years there.  I don’t know if that guy was one of the legal sharks or private investigators who have been following me, but it is possible.  I think another one of those people was behind me in line at Target, too, right before Christmas, with a threat of trying to track my spending and accuse me of some kind of money fraud with being on disability.  I was literally just buying pinatas to stuff with school supplies and candy for my nieces as a Christmas present.  Why would anyone try to accuse me because of that, and most of all, who in the world would be following me?  It is absurd, and I think it does make sense to view it in a religious way, as some kind of out of this world evil attack that is so ludicrous that I should prioritize whatever prayer or forgiveness could happen for a lot of people who I would otherwise never have any association with. In other words, I should view these people as being one step away from being demons.

     Anyway, that was kind of mean to say after saying I should make the most of forgiveness opportunities.  I still get mad because these people do succeed at hurting me.  I think for me, the next step is to talk to the FBI.  The fact is that it seems like there are either hundreds of legal sharks or they try to create that impression somehow.  And what did I ever do?  I was a cashier and a poet. 

    Well, time to finish this post and write another post.  I think I might write several posts in a row. Sorry for the low mood everyone. I am really tired of people hurting me and I do not understand when it comes from people who I thought would help me.

a new poem

Christmas Jam

I am happy for the people 

who are the light of the world.

My happiness for them

is a strand of Christmas lights

gleaming in my own dark soul. 

My heart is in the cold woods 

of a winter where the sun set

suddenly and soon,

taking with it my youth

as laughter turned to fear and sadness,

deepening with each year.

But the rustling leaves in the shadows

turned out to mostly be friendly gophers and prairie dogs,

roasting marshmallows over coals

that glow orange and yellow with heat from another world.

A Christmas song echoes in the night,

and everyone knows

where they can find a tree

full of bright lights,

colorful and warm

with strands of tinsel and glass 

reflecting the shimmer of hope

in the middle of a menacing wilderness

that in my mind,

has preserved the greatest peace.

Christmas at Tic-Tac Castle

have a great christmas, everyone

     Well everyone, how are you doing.  I am doing okay and am excited because I got a Christmas tree for my room and it is a real Christmas tree and so cool.  I also thought of a poem idea which is for a poem where I will say that in heaven there are going to be a lot of santa clauses competing to give everyone the best toys.  So everyone will get multiple visits from all the santas trying to outdo each other. They might not be old guys either, and could be fun Christmas animals who are friends with the Easter Bunny. It is going to be great. 

     Yesterday I also started imagining heaven differently and pictured an outdoor scene that is still in my mind, with campfires and nice people.  It is cool but I am still going to try to survive these recent gallbladder problems, and I like living in a big city. Well, that is all for today. Tomorrow I am going to try to build a gingerbread castle out of some gingerbread house kits. Have a great night, everyone, and a great christmas.

Yummy Christmas Food

Hi everyone, I hope you are having a great Christmas. I am doing okay and decided to cook some fish as health food this week. It turned out so yummy and I thought I would share the recipe:

You buy some tilapia at the grocery store. Then you heat a frying pan and add a little bit of olive oil. Then you add honey and it starts to sizzle.  Try to mix it around in the pan some and soon add the fish.  It starts cooking and then you can start adding things that seem good like squeezing an orange over the fish and adding mustard powder, ginger, and worschester sauce.  Maybe add some more honey, too.  As the fish cooks, turn it over sometimes and maybe cut it into smaller pieces as it cooks.  Let it cook a lot until you can tell the meat is white and there starts to be a caramelized flavor all over the fish pieces.  Then turn off the heat and put it on a plate.  Then eat it.  You can add vegetables and a mango popsicle to the meal if you need more food and need to be healthy.  Some people might not be able to add the extra sugar of the popsicle but often, popsicles only have 50-100 calories.  So this is a yummy meal even if you are on an extreme diet.  It is so yummy that I am not freaking out about how I might not be able to eat as much of my usual foods that often have sour cream, cream of chicken soup, and cheese mixed up in some way. Well have a great day everyone.

The Gall

     Well everyone, I hope you all are having a nice day. It is a day in the Christmas season, and I am happily celebrating Christmas.  I think this is the most carefree Christmas I have ever had except for a few recent emergencies that seem to be related to a gallbladder problem.  I am thankfully okay so far and am trying to eat different foods than usual.  I had already cut back on some things like cream in my coffee, which I replaced with milk, and I lost ten pounds to get back to my normal weight.  So that excitement of being back to normal is kind of off-setting some of my concern about suddenly having to avoid a lot of my favorite foods.  Also, I will clarify that my normal weight is not a great weight, but not that bad for someone like me.

     My trips to the E.R. recently were very interesting and educational, and I enjoyed getting to be with some great hospital people.  A few days ago, I had to call 911 and go to the hospital in an ambulance.  It was a closer call than I think should have happened, but I thought I might be okay when really I wasn’t.  I will find out soon what exactly is wrong, but I think that I might soon have to say goodbye to my gallbladder, which did nothing to me except try to digest food to the best of its ability.  So that is too bad, but I am not worried.  I think it will be okay and I will just make sure I eat what I am supposed to and try not to get addicted to pain medicine.  That is a risk but I think I could manage it.  All kinds of stuff happens to people, and that 911 incident made me more aware of certain levels of not feeling good.

    I think the legal sharks who have been following me for several years are really feasting on these recent health problems, and it is definitely bothering me. I am replaying my life in my mind and thinking about all the ways they might try to hurt me. I think they have a lot of strategies and want me to say the wrong thing in this post. I think they want me to say a threat to them, which they've been trying to trigger now with what must be hundreds of phone calls and a few sightings of guys taking photos of me or making themselves known in other ways.  I think that is their golden thing they want the most is for me to return their threats so they can say it was reasonable for them to follow me and interfere in my life. They will say it was to keep Barnes and Noble people safe from a dangerous mentally ill person.  But I feel bad for them. I am a Barnes and Noble person, and not just that, but a poet. My mental illness is a very typical part of an artistic profile, and I always made sure to keep it that way. I was a good bookseller who read a lot of books without getting paid for it, and that was probably the issue all along. Someone felt that it would be hard to get away with firing me for whatever their branding reasons are, or other power plays, or to cover up how they treated a lot of people in the company. I don’t think I should say more now, because what happened is worse than anyone would guess, even if they were told, and even if they witnessed it themselves, like the thousands of people who saw me at my worst for 12 years.  Is that an admission of some kind?  I don’t think it is. I was also at my best in some ways, as most people are, no matter how the world punishes them for not committing suicide.

    Anyway, it is probably all from the conspiracy anyway, and I am just thankful to have interesting things to think about instead of the boredom that was probably maximized on purpose during my first two years working in the Barnes and Noble music department. There was an unusual stretch of people stealing CDs during that time, and they would sell them for cash at local store nearby.  It drove me crazy as I tried to do a good job with loss and theft prevention while experiencing some prodromal schizophrenia symptoms.

    I don’t need to look back and think they did it all on purpose. The fact is that there is a lot I don’t know.  I remember a mean older white guy breaking my heart by referencing the store’s holiday incentive program as I handed him the CD he was looking for.  He said “I suppose now you want your funny money?” How cruel. The managers had told us that some secret shoppers might hand us a gift card if we did a good job.  But of course there was no gift card, and who else would know about that program but some bad person trying to make me quit. That was December. I had just started in October. I don’t know what I possibly had done to make them want to get me to quit. Who knows how hard they tried and who did it.  There was a customer who mimicked me to my face one day, making fun of how nerdy I sounded behind the cash register.  But I don’t think she was one of the Barnes and Noble constructive dismissal bullies. I think she was probably one of the good people camouflaging the abuse so I would stay naïve enough to keep the job. Was that before or after I got on the insurance?  I don’t know. At that time, if you lost insurance, you could never be insured for your medical condition again.  How horrible.  What a horrible grown up world I inherited. I think today might be even worse for not just some but most young people.  What a tragedy, and yet I know even still as these lawyers try to keep making their case against me even when I stand in a median crossing the street and text my mom about having gallbladder problems, that the real tragedy is that these guys thought they were defending a brand so good that they could do anything they wanted to the stupid people of South Carolina, and not just stupid, but poor, and even worse than that, Christian, and even worse than that, depressed, and the worst crime of all, being a good bookseller.

something very sad

    The puppeteer who was Big Bird died this week, and I am so sad. I have thought about it a lot and felt confused sometimes about whether Big Bird died or a person died, and I have been imagining Big Bird in heaven when really Big Bird is probably still a muppet on earth.

    Anyway I wanted to post this photo of Big Bird a long time ago and say that I think the design of Big Bird got messed up, and his head is way too fluffy now.  I think it compromises the cuteness which is a real thing that can be achieved in drawings and art. It is not good to go around criticizing things, but I am going to say it because I think it is very sad and I almost can’t even stand it when I see the more current images online.

    I used to read about Sesame Street and the muppets a lot, and I think that early on, the creators of Sesame Street changed the design of Big Bird because they thought his head was too small and it made him look stupid. But I think it would have been good to take that risk, and kids could see that any amount of intelligence can be lovable.