A Very 7-11 Christmas

Hi everyone, who is reading this blog? No one? That is very rude. Today is Christmas Eve. I woke up a little bit depressed but am okay now.  I went to the post office and my present from my sister was there and it did make the difference for how I feel today.  But I still urgently posted a photo of myself on facebook for other sad people. I wore my Greenville sweatshirt that my sister's family gave me.  It was such a good surprise and some candy from a store in my hometown called Mast General Store where they have barrels of candy.  So thanks everyone, thanks conspiracy, I am getting through another Christmas.  Does the person I like like me?  It could be the twelfth or fifteenth Christmas hurt by a delusion not coming true, but I will get through it.  I think that the conspiracy felt that I could afford the shame of that chronic problem.  I personally don't see it that way but still am committed to staying alive to pray for people.  Also I figured out that putting molasses in coffee creates a gingerbread flavor.  And I feel like that is something people need to know.

    Speaking of important news, I have been defending the evangelical church from libtards for a long time now, but for some reason, this christmas, I have some more awareness of how dirty some of those churches really are. How disgusting their discrimination is, and how long they have gotten away with it. I feel so sorry for them, and for their charade, and for how much everyone knows what they did and yet they all still prance around like it's other people with the problem. But their gaydar picked people up faster than any media hypocrits ever could, and they let people know in their own way who wasn't accepted and never would be.  Then those of us who had to be patient with it to survive were talked to like we were idiots for the rest of our lives. Like maybe we were the ones with the theological problem. But as the evangeli-tards continue to dedicate their lives and fashion to sharing their gospel of why they are better than everyone else, it is the rest of us who have had to ask God for help. I still really believe the church has done well in some ways, and that most of the northerners hate christians because we sing songs to God like they are too proud to do.  But I don't intend to spend the rest of my permanently ruined life keeping the church's sins a secret in the same closet as my mom and dad's worse persecution for much the same reasons. No one is going to get away with their ignorant harassment or their futile attempts to hide the evidence of their stupidity, which happens to be the entire rest of creation. In fact, I think everyone already knows most of the things still unsaid, yet I can't help but acknowledge that some people seem to have a little bit too much glee from their sick, selfish kidnapping fantasies coming true all around us in every country including our own.

 

Evidence Based Affirmations for Mental Illness

      

Nice Rice

 People weren’t expecting me to make fried rice today were they.  I know those people in the overcrowded bus weren’t expecting it, and probably Satan did not predict it either.  But it was very inevitable with the mixed vegetables sitting there on the stove, and the eggs on the counter and rice in the cabinet.  And then some people probably still thought that not having butter meant not frying anything, but I did have the vegetable oil.  So that worked out and it was yummy.  Some Polynesian sauce from Chick-Fil-A was good to add, too, and Worschester sauce, which I add to everything. 

Well that is all for now, everyone. Some bacon would be good next time I guess but this was yummy today.

It seems that all my blog posts from here on out will be tainted with political wrenching from the New York Grimes and other problem people who are mean to me.

So I will keep trying to just be thankful and count my blessings instead of complaining but as I have said before, some complaints are like when someone is standing on your hand and you really should say something about it.

Anyway I think I am going to try to invent a dish called Nice Rice and it will be called that because it has three kinds of something in it. And the idea will be like kind means nice and it has three kinds of ingredients like cheese, mustard, and cream or bacon or something. In fact I could say if it has three kinds of anything then that is what makes it Nice Rice. 

So I guess fried rice is usually a type of Nice Rice too.

Well have a good day everyone and don’t eat too much mean beans.

A Very Expensive Book Case

 Hi everyone, today is still Sunday and I am just writing to explain the lawsuit I might participate in.  It has to do with the way Barnes and Noble changed their book look up system somewhere around 2010 so that it matched the website more and made it almost impossible for employees to find a book on the computer screen or in the store.  The idea was to promote their website and steer customers online. That might sound like a simple business decision that can’t reasonably be challenged, but I think there was something behind it and within it that was an obvious mistreatment of all employees, and really customers, too, and it contributed to my eventual emotional breakdown in front of my community for two years.  That itself is probably going to be a criminal torture case, and it would seem that I should just sue about that.  But oddly, I am probably not going to even though it might be like one of those forty million dollar cases.  I might do it and donate the money or something, but mostly I don’t believe in lawsuits as part of my religion, I also don’t want to live off of being wronged, and most of all, the crime is so deep and transcendent that I think I should just wait and see how things turn out on Judgement Day.

 

However, this other issue that overlaps with the severe mental damage caused by everything in the store being made unbearable on purpose, is something that I think is dirty and common and also affected most of the employees at the store level.  And that is just the way Barnes and Noble used emotional abuse to steer customers to shop online instead of in the store. They were trying to use us as a storefront, and almost like robots ourselves, and frustration was a tool they used to influence store traffic.  The lookup system was made unuseful on purpose, in order to make us find fewer books successfully, even though that was our stated job, and to make us to try to do more ship-to-home orders from the website- supposedly just like ordering online but really by taking their credit cards and using them on cash registers away from the customer service desk, which made us have to take cards away from people's sight and have personal responsibility for their credit card numbers in a way that caused us to be blamable if anything went wrong.  It also meant that customers wanted to browse the look up system themselves, blurring the customer-employee line on purpose, and causing customers to come into close quarters in an employee only space.  I also think they deliberately used this change as a way to create a mass partial constructive dismissal and tighten up the job duties past what everyone could do, so they could identify some employees to keep and frustrate others into quitting or failing and having hours cut or being fired. In fact, the better and faster you were, the more frustrating and yes, absolutely heartbreaking it was to no longer be good at your minimum wage job. This whole thing might have been what started the torture, because I think that people who were helping me personally with my mental illness survival knew they were doing that and Barnes and Noble knew those people knew and started doing it worse on purpose, and then it just escalated into criminal abuse. Meanwhile I was still trying to keep insurance for a severe mental illness that actually would have been in its least painful phase other than the torture.

 

So now I have brain damage, and though that is relevant, it is not the main thing for this particular lawsuit, and I think everyone whose lives were made worse by being turned into punching bags with impossible tasks in order to boost online sales have a strong case that should take away quite a chunk of cash away from whoever actually gets the money from the stores.  That’s not employees, and like so many other American businesses, people chose not to invest in people through wages and have destroyed one of the world’s greatest and most important resources, which is America’s prosperous free market system.  These people are going to go to hell right before our eyes, but so will a lot of other people for related religion reasons.  Anyway, sorry I always launch into that but I am reminded of it every day with a life affected every second by layers and layers of societal abuse and discrimination, which were in most extreme official form when I worked my last working years at Barnes and Noble.  

 

I think a lot of people would say that the companies make the rules and if you don’t like it, you can work somewhere else.  But there are leverage factors and dishonesty that make this case a little more complex than that. So that is all I am saying, and people probably think it is foolish of me anyway to show my cards. But foolishness is my full time job at the psychiatric housing complex where I live, and I think it is just too interesting to not share that I don’t believe in cashing in on torture but I do believe in standing up for employee rights.

Happy Hollandaise

Happy Hollandaise, everyone. I did just make a little sauce with some egg yolks, lemon juice, and butter. I had to add a little bit of milk and cheese because of not enough butter and the eggs did scramble slightly but that is how I know I didn’t get salmonella.

I am trying to reset my behavior after cursing in the next post but people can see a trend in this blog where something went horribly wrong. I guess now I can say at least it was my life instead of the Hollandaise sauce.

I had to lose many layers of lifelong faithfulness in order to get to this instant gratification mindset. Maybe that is part of a disguise that God provided so people wouldn’t know who exactly they were offending with various violations that they were coached on from certain schools and media.

That is all for now. A very useful and comforting creative writing life has been turned into a wasteful journalism role with a rudely assigned beat of societal abuse, observed from a vantage point of constant rejection and harrassment, with some kind of additional managed cruelty designed by people who seem to think that an actually very extreme amount of destructive torture is necessary at all times to keep me safe from worse people. I honestly don’t think it is good or true, and I am often more right about things like that than people realize. But there is no need to brood about the past, which is something people do when they are depressed and something I have been doing because of another round of tricks to keep me safely in a low mood for the holidays. But I am not as safe as people think, and it is an absolute total unpredictable crapshoot whether my new knife set will be cutting the next batch of scrapple or my wrists and neck on Christmas Day.

 

Special Announcement

Ok everyone, it is Saturday at about 6 pm. Earlier I was in a frame of mind to write a funny friendly blog post like the earlier posts of this blog.  But I got triggered by politics again so I am not able to write that post.  But I still had an okay day and am thankful for what I have, which includes a nice place to stay, safety, and I just made cookies.  Well that’s the topic to say is that unfortunately I left off the milk.  I knew the dough was too dry but I could not figure out what was missing so I added some more egg and Crisco.  Well that did help but I knew it was still not perfect.  And the cookies are a little bit dry.  You can tell from the icing that I did not care. But I did kind of care.  And then I thought hey my new girlfriend might like to eat some of these cookies when she visits.  But then I tasted them and they are in fact a little bit dry.  And usually these cookies are so good that you know you’re supposed to make cookies like this for a living and will probably face eternal damnation on Judgement Day for missing such a noble calling.

But anyway, you should not joke about that stuff or throw away the bible your parents gave you which I most certainly did when I lost my other apartment. 
 
I did have a good day today though and found a twenty dollar bill on the ground.  That was after seeing a lady cry at the post office when another lady turned in the money she found and it turned out to be that lady’s lost money.  And then the postal worker told me I had to come back and get my present from my sister on Monday even though the note was already in my p.o box that said I could pick it up.  So that was mysterious but I accepted it like a champ.  Then I went to the grocery store and there were only two jars of molasses left so I left it for other people.  That was nice of me but it was a good deed prepared by the conspiracy.
 
The ginger and cloves I bought cost 15 dollars, and that does not seem right.  I think people are helping me be depressed again after I got a little hyper earlier this week. It was because I did well on a zoom call. 
 
Anyway I have been watching cooking videos on youtube and thinking that I would love to do a cooking show where I curse at everyone throughout the episodes in a disorganized schizophrenia way.  But I try not to curse because of being a Christian.  But I can’t help it when I walk through my neighborhoods. So it would seem like hey why not just do it for comedic effect but so far I still am determined not to. But sometimes when I think about heaven I think okay when I get to heaven I am finally going to be able to curse and I will live in a porn library. Well that is also absurd because I used to work in a Barnes and Noble and turned my head several million times from stuff unwanted in my face.  So I guess life is confusing but if I have a show I am going to call it the sh-t-fck kitchen and I am going to start by saying, hey, I am really a poet, and you know how they tell some people they have a face for radio… well I guess I have a face for… Fck you.  Fck you up your deep a.s.s. you muther fcking piece of judgement day coal.
 
So anyway I guess that is because of being triggered.  It was kind of concentrated this time like the icing on the pastel easter egg looking cookies that I made and will eat for the rest of the season even though each one will remind me of how I forgot the milk and have a ruined life as well that now will hopefully have another added person in it to observe the exact nature of perpetual loss and enough humiliation to distract a whole country from its unfortunate but clearly inevitable and probably deliberate demise.

hi everyone here is my new christmas tree. i am still working on my behavior problems everyone, thanks a lot. the next post is kind of rude, maybe i will delete it. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

     Hi everyone, I hope you are having a good thanksgiving. Today is Black Friday and I am at home being thankful for what I already have, which is an entire lost wardrobe and apartment, homelessness, unemployment, severe mental illness, and family emotional abuse that will last until the day I die.  

     But it could be much worse, and I am thankful to be visiting my parents and sitting in my childhood home with wifi and leftover food.  It is my first time back on a holiday in seven years. That is mainly from avoiding holiday traffic and I did visit about twice a year other than that.  That is just some information for the legal sharks who have been tracking me and preparing a case against me for twenty years.  They did not like my cashiering and customer service at my bookstore job. You have to wonder if a twenty year vendetta was about something different than membership card sales, but honestly I think maybe it was, in fact, about the 10 percent, or the .00001 percent if you are referring to my sales stats.

     Anyway, my sister's family got a new puppy, and it sat next to me when they visited.  So that is nice and probably a good omen from the prophecy of hajmarahajaj. I just felt like saying that but really I am a Presbyterian. However, I do indulge in some Catholicism when special powers are needed. It's probably plenty safe, and who needs underworld principalities when you have politics and social media.

     Ok, that is enough.  You can see if you read through this blog that I wrote friendly, funny posts for a while, and then a soul wrenching started happening and my posts started to reflect another round of persecution from democrats, TSA workers, and the Roman Empire. No, really, I did not plan to post about these problems today, but you can tell just from five minutes of CBS Macy's parade coverage that about 40 percent of our country is going to hell very soon. Do you guys not see it?   I see it.  I see it instantly when the Pikachu balloon floats by all the liberal pawns in super-filtered technicolor and you know that this video footage will take on an eerie significance after the war starts, or finally just gets called what it is. Sometimes you just kind of know things like that, like how everyone should have known that when Toys R Us went out of business they would be back in a few years after collecting bankruptcy insurance. And sure enough, there they are, as part of Macy's now, with Geoffrey the giraffe floating by in the parade among all the high school band targets for terrorism.

     No, really, that is going too far.  As I was saying, coffee is only 50 cents at the new Lowe's grocery store near my parents' house, and near the entrance there is a huge bar and alcohol section in case any addiction sufferers mistakenly thought people cared about them. The store also has self checkout lines with no cashiers anywhere in sight in case anyone was entertaining psychotic delusions that our lives were not being monitored in totality by digital transactions and video cameras for future punishment and discrimination.

     Anyway, I can see why some people believe that God used the Sept 11 attack as a time marker for our country's journey into historical levels of cultural disrespect and child abuse, but I actually think that it was in the 90s that people made their choice.  It is one choice, deep and quiet in the heart, but sprouts into whole lives that have tangles of either bad poisonous vines or calm potato gardens.

     "So are you saying you have a potato garden?" I hear some people saying.  Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. It is a garden of baked potatoes from my favorite restaurant called Copper River Grill.

     How long do you guys think I can keep going with this blog post?  Well I guess it depends on how long people can keep reading it, doesn't it?  Actually, no, it doesn't.  People could just choose to miss out, like many already have, and there is a little lesson here for all the people who were taught the wrong thing and feel the slight fear in their hearts all the time when they continue to harrass and silence people like me.  Listen to the people insisting that science can't be denied.  And yet people don't give religious truth the same regard. Some cowards told people that the truth didn't matter in certain categories, and now in our country it turned out that whole categories of people were treated like they didn't matter. So now it is time for all the bad people who ruined everything to pretend they were the ones doing what they were supposed to.  And yet some of us are genuinely baffled to be called ignorant because we read books instead of watching the late night TV that only insulted us every time every day.  Gee, I wonder why some people don't want to pay more taxes.  I just can't guess at what reasons they have for that, other than some slight suspicion that it actually would be and already is a tragedy for public schools to become the most accessible trafficking hub for international slavery and kidnapping.

     Well I guess that is just another reason to keep writing, because we see another polite silence as the people kidnapped in Haiti have now been missing for over a month with no heroic intervention from the United States, at least so far, despite weak assurances of Biden being "briefed" every day.  This is opposed to a "brief," swift rescue that was needed and probably possible if people like him weren't used to sending in a trickle of military personnel to have their lives blown up overseas instead of winning wars.  I will say here, all insinuations aside, that I do believe Biden's failure to intervene is different than when Obama didn't care. 

     That should really be enough for now, and I guess it is all I have to say, mainly from not watching the news anymore. I caught a glimpse of Fox News while visiting my parents, and had a fleeting feeling of possibly having some reliable news to watch, but I found disappointment in their bias, too. It will probably mostly be young people dying in the war, and some of the generation before them will be disappointed about that, but some won't.  It will just be part of their porn feed, which wasn't enough when it was linked to the entertainment industry, and still won't be enough after it eats the rest of "civilian" life.

     Ok really, that is all. I was just bored and wanted to go to the mall but can't afford the polo shirt I wanted to replace my bag of clothes that got thrown away after the infestation. No, I am talking about just bugs and mice, not the giant praying mantis monsters that are lurking in the corners of every apartment now, and the snakes tangled up in everyone's families and pseudofamilies.  You will all see them soon enough when you get your seizure disorders from how we are all treated by government and media people.

     Speaking of which, this post could be part of a "best political essays" collection, couldn't it?  Well I have some news for y'all which is that it probably is in a collection like that in heaven.  It is probably being broadcast right now along the digital headline signs near Times Square in heaven. They have more room for stuff like that because of what they don't post, which essentially is just about everything uttered in our faces and God's face by the media today.

     Happy Holidays, everyone! 

Time Capsule Club

Hi everyone, this post is an out of the ordinary blog post intended mostly for facebook friends.  I am looking for some volunteers to provide a sort of time capsule service in exchange for free books and probably a free gift, which I currently think will be a jar of cookie butter, a bag of coffee, and one of the new grocery style containers of Chick-Fil-A sauce.

The favor I need is for at least a few people, and maybe as many as ten or twenty, to agree to receive a box of my books in the mail, probably in January, and then just place the sealed box in a closet for the next few years.  I would hope to also sometimes include a flash drive with the files on them in case the books ever need to be republished.  To me, this could  imply some informal licensing rights for whoever believes that they or their kids might really be motivated some day to republish these books if they are ignored too severely before I die.

 

I think there are a few levels of participation in this Time Capsule idea, and if anyone wants to email me your address or send it in a facebook message, I will add you to the list to receive some books some time probably in November or January:

 

smefird5@gmail.com  or send a facebook message with your address.

 

participation levels: 

 

Level 1:  5-7 free books to read and keep on a bookshelf like normal books.

 

Level 2: 10-12 books to store with the intent of preserving these books for a later time if no other copies can be found.

 

Level 3:  being a core Time Capsule person with a collection of 20-30 different titles by Refried Bean to keep in a box for years.

 

Level 4: all 35-37 books, a flash drive with backup files, and being considered as a guardian of a Christian literary legacy that could impact future generations, possibly willing to meet with other Time Capsule people years from now to prevent total destruction of the writing itself if political strife causes a ten to twenty delay for appreciation.

 

Level 5: free books for teachers or other education and social work people interested in helping with the process to donate them to schools and classes.

 

www.refriedbean.com     

 

books on amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Refried-Bean/e/B0927TF2PD/ref=dp_byline_cont_pop_book_1

frogs of the internet

 hey everyone this is a collage I made for an art group at my mental health program that I am in. Thanks Camila for leading the group. I am excited about how it turned out even though the frogs are all from the internet.  It did make me feel better after kind of a depressing weekend because people continue to torture me and ruin my life.  I do not know if I should still be blogging in this condition and circumstances. But hopefully if I stay away from the news I will think of some poems and have another book done that can be read by some other society another time. I feel very betrayed by my society even after a conspiracy helped me and maybe especially after a conspiracy helped me. Well have a great day everyone.

A calm summer day in October

 Guess what everyone, I got my wifi working on my phone. I did not do that well with the process but finally am able to use wifi based on my phone connection. I wrote some essays and posted a few of them but am saving some things for my new poetry book.  I will probably finish it in November.  I might also do a collection of favorites from some of my other books so there can be another good book in the thin book series.  But I need to sell some soon. Is my next post too rude. I felt depressed about it but talked to my friend who has cancer and she reminded me to avoid political triggers. But I did kind of care what happened in public life and through campaigns and journalism. So maybe I was wrong and will eventually unpost some stuff. My friend with cancer has helped me a lot and I don't know what I am going to do without her.

My acknowledgements pages have some good rightful listings but have a lot of people left off in haphazard illogical ways, too, and I think more people would have liked for their last names to be listed. But doesn't everyone want some justice coming their way in heaven?  That is what I think but I am perpetually having tantrums because I feel like I already spent my reward from heaven on earth, and things did not work out in some ways.  Like they almost worked out, but thousands of people invested in me and it seems like a trick sometimes.  But probably it is not a trick and I definitely conflated many things including delusions and then social work people had to unravel all of it over the course of about 8-10 years.  So that is kind of funny and an interesting project that involved a lot of people, and that does match an image of what I thought could be an interesting judgement day case some day.  Like I thought there could be a lot of people and all the cases against me could be absurdly apparent and everyone could eat a lot of h'oerdourves during the trials. I think a lot of that has happened but I am not sure other people got enough food. This past weekend I said on facebook that I supported the Salem Witchcraft trials.  It was kind of rude but my facebook friends did not leave me hanging (get it, hanging?) and I really appreciate it. I said that witchcraft endangered the colony and anti-colonialism privileges clergy and discriminates against milkmaids.

Anyway, I think my friend with cancer is going to get to be friends with Flannery O'Conner in heaven and they might see my old guinea pigs and my sugar glider named Sydney. I think that Sydney is sometimes going to sing a song about how he forgives me for when my parents made me keep him in the garage after college. It will be very sweet.  

Well I guess that is all for now. I might soon google the person that I like so I can see if it is a wild goose chase or not. I think one way to contact someone you like in a creative way is to request a restraining order on them from the cops so it seems like they are the one stalking you.

Have a great day everyone. I was depressed earlier but my day got better and there's nothing that a cup of coffee can't cure or a support group where they say of course that is not true.

Thanks, to people who were nice to me on facebook this weekend: Ana, James, Jacquetta, Hadley, Chase, Stacie, Lee, Jared, and I think one or two more. Sorry to forget names sometimes everyone I can't help it.

when writing seems too simular

    Well everyone, I hope you all are having a nice day. I have some interesting things to say that are complicated but I am going to try to post about it a little bit because I think it could help other people, and possibly myself while writing it.

 

    Yesterday I reread one of my books, called Revelationaries, and it includes some blog posts from a few of my blogs on different topics.  And on one of the blogs, I was talking about how I am often able to truly love and pray for people who have hurt me in lifelong ways, but sometimes can't even conceive of there being in this world any forgiveness for random people in daily life who do something like play bad music in a store.  And I suggested that partially that situation is a clue that we all need forgiveness and people don't always know the hurt their actions cause. Well I used the phrase "everyone needs forgiveness."  I heard that in a song that one of my college friends named Laura Story wrote.  Did I plagiarize her?  I don't think I did.  I think it is pretty common language.  But I also took two theology classes this month and am realizing something that I need to be aware of going forward.  For many years now, I have been a creative writer, and a lot of my English background is my own independent reading, though I do have a degree in creative writing and in teaching English.  That is my main category of efforts and motivation, and I do know what I am doing and have been a very honest worker with very few lapses in standards. However, I am noticing that in theology settings, and especially in ministry settings, the nuances of how people express certain teaching and theology ideas can actually be where the issue of originality is, so there could be a lot more thought and personal success behind something very straightforward like "everyone needs forgiveness."  Someone mastered the plain-speak but also read the social terrain and nailed it.

    This realization comes on a day that I also decided to unsubscribe to emails from another Christian writer, who I thought would be my friend but might not want to be in the long run.  Which is fine.  And speaking of "fine," that is a word that person uses a lot.  And I have used it, and felt an influence and comfort from that person, which I am sure is one of their goals as a speaker and writer. But here is where I figure out that I am not going to risk twenty years of creative work and ten thousand original ideas by being a ministry follower and then be accused of plagiarizing because I use the word "fine" in a blog post. Well that happened to be on a well-timed meme from this person, and I can see that maybe there was some real thought work behind that choice.  But if people think I am going to start losing vocabulary words because I followed nice people and supported them kindly from my own sense of creative security, then they are part of the reason for my current career status of tragic martyr silenced by the hypocritical socialists. So I think I have to stop following some people as a co-writer.  And there is one more thing to mention, which has to do with christian ministry generally having a different goal than creative writing for its own sake.  And that has to do with the ministry goal of people embracing your message and living by it. I won't go so far as to say that it creates a simple conflict of interests or something, but I think that really what has happened in both the cases I mentioned, which are just examples and not legal cases and if they are I really will shoot myself on video, but anyway as I was saying, I was a successful recipient of ministry and accepted the influence which was the goal.  And that was my role and intent as well, so if I am influenced at all in mood or strength as I write my own posts, then I would say that is fruit of their ministry and not plagiarism from me.  But this growing fear I feel of being suspected of copying on levels that by ministry standards are probably above me but by writing standards are not really in my same category of art, is a sign that I have to shut it down with some of these influences and no longer even read any of these people's books. Really, I was just trying to support people and enjoy other people's work that helped keep me company as I wrote poetry and blogs all by myself while surrounded by about a hundred mice in my old apartment. 

    So that is that, and I think even though I have kind of casually rambled in the same slightly lazy way as my other blog posts, what I have said here is some really interesting material and holds up pretty strongly legally as well.

    There is another topic for another post, which I think I am only beginning to understand, which has more to do with the charade that continues where people try to bury writing and art from people like me.  Well I have some news for everyone, which is that it doesn't work.  People tried to do this with my life, and the truth came out.  And my thirty-three relevant books with more than national level quality will be seen for what they are, when they were, as well as God's disgust at my engineered rejection. There is theology behind that, too, and people can point to "actual history," but I will just point them right back to the cross, which is what helps me finally crack the code on whether my whole life and work will be successfully wasted.  It will not in any part be wasted, including the timeliness and efficiency that were offered to God in the first place but rejected by fools.

have a great day everyone

 Ok everyone my mad blog is still out of control and I have been brooding again about racism and political problems but I cooked some scrapple and put caramels in my coffee and I have calmed down some.  This past weekend I published a book that I finished unexpectedly on Rosh Hashanah and it was called Apple Novel.  So that is exciting but doing the acknowledgements page as usual was an excrutiating challenge. But I am okay except at night.  I am feeling inspired to work on the next book in the series which I might try to call Kmart novel.  But I think I should try to get permission to do that.  Usually I don't ask permission and I just try to use people's likenesses in a complimentary way but I think I am going to put a blue light bulb on the cover of the book and that is a bit much to not ask permission.

     Anyway nothing else is going on. Remember when I used to say funny things in these posts?  Well now I guess it is just a diary. I am tired of pretending to be an author and not selling any books. 

     Anyway some happy news is that I realized I am in AOC's district which is the Bronx and Queens.  I live in the Bronx near a Stop and Shop.  

    Ok everyone now I am going to an online support group. Have a great day.

Sept 11- Try to forget

photo credit- Jessica Early

Well everyone, today is Sept 11. I posted a new book but don’t know if I should have named one of the characters Dr Havarti instead of Dr Halverson which is a person’s real name. Pretty funny but I hope no one is mad or hurt at me. A cheese name could be good because it is a food pantry novel. Anyway today is a holiday for a lot of people. I was in the middle of a severe depression on sept 11 and thought the terrorist attack was my fault even though I lived in Greenville SC. A pastor at my church described the sense of duty when firefighters watched one tower collapse and then marched immediately into the other tower anyway to climb the stairs and save lives. It was very moving and helped me keep going to work at my bookstore job even though I had social anxiety and sometimes did not want to walk in the door. It helped me a lot. When our country splits up I will probably try to be in whatever location has the Sept 11 people.

 

I can't disclose my location but here is a hint: There's Canada geese here.

    Hi everyone, I'm writing and blogging again after a break for the summer. I decided to stop blogging because of some attitude problems which I am still working on. I also moved to supported housing for mental illness and I cut my spending in half.  I kind of had to but there was a risk that I wouldnt be able to.  But I have and the program I am a part of has helped me keep my apartment clean too.  So I am doing well on my behavior goals and am happy to have moved near a giant grocery store.  But I miss my old neighborhood sometimes and have stopped going to the coffee shop completely for now. Are people mad at me? I do not know.  There are geese here that live near my new apartment and they are not as mad at me as geese sometimes are. I fed them some cereal today on my way home from actually not being harrassed this time at the grocery store. I am a member of the discount program and yes it is going on my resume.

    Anyway I hope people are getting through hurricanes and surviving all the various survival situations. Don't get me started on politics because I could have and would have helped but people shut me down. I am still able to pray though and there is a prayer after this post.  I think it could be copied by people who don't pray at all but maybe they will get some salvation from their continued attempts to shred all the people like me. One of my friends once said I was like a piñata, and candy flies all around if people hit me. That is a compliment I really appreciate.  I hope it is one of those rainbow donkey pinatas, and I hope the people beating me up are like those blindfolded kids who can't see and keep beating the air and then end up hitting other people with the stick so that their party is ruined.  That sounds like leftover politics doesn't it? Well it isn't. I am not commenting on the problems that hurt me. I am trying to do the best I can instead but I can see the loss of humor in this post. People will not get the same interaction with me that they could have ten years ago. Heaven is not ruined for me but hell is for you. Ok that is enough. Do you gice see what I am talking about?  Avoiding the news and blocking facebook friends helps some. So far I still pay attention to the National Weather Service but I will cut them off too if I have to. You know you are in trouble when God's people choose a tornado over your power hungry harrassment.  Who is reading this? Maybe no one, or maybe people who are no one.

September Prayer

Dear God please dispatch 10 billion prayer promises and 4 million blessing headquarters with angel animals and saint committees to imagine and assign stat transforming list sequences, prize packages, trillion year distribution schedules, blessing maps, and non-wastable hidden destiny-findable bonus activators for  thousands of people each day starting a long time ago in history or throughout the lost or un-acknowledged pre-add status locations, scenarios, invisible linked associations, or generation-based choosables. Please provide several hundred million direct contact blessing notifications with a thousand million remote untraceable alternate themed jackpots to be replicated and repeat-gifted to any co-building occupyers at any time plus earlier or later contact times fifty people and corps. Please add interpretation layers to any prayers  prayed by all the people designated so far and add contagion loops, exponentializers, inclusion add on eligibility, and simple prayer prompts to any possible label system participant acknowledged or sponsored by eager eternal servants with pending reward stores accessible to all communities represented by workers, consumers, or any linked care people over a span determined by an opposite lottery system focusing on celebration activities as an idea with unlimited interpretation and reminders for later faithful maximizers. Please dissolve erroneous network burdens and break tangles in order to release new winners to fields and categories charged with supernatural power resources that cause future accumulation of gold coins, magic marbles, super tickets, keys and wooden treasure boxes, found items and special accounts, and instant or simultaneously developed gift and reward stashes for friends, family, coworkers, travel buddies, or wild card multiple factor expansion application. Please forgive us all for sins and mistakes and help us feel better with comedy extravaganzas. Please add a talent grid provision for all in all of all to all and help people use their gifts. Thank you for your faithful son who died for us and please help everyone be friends of God and Jesus forever and surrounded by happy cute animals who talk and wear clothes.

“kind of like CS Lewis except a homicidal maniac”

That is what a New York Times review could have been for my books, couldn’t it.  Maybe ten years ago, or 8, or 6, or 5, when I just decided to do the e-books, or maybe during the Trump years, but then probably Bernie would have won the election. I guess it all worked out fine and I should not interpret the continuing silence as not being somehow in my favor. I voted for Jo Jorgensen.  Is that it?  Because my life did not revolve around Trump?  Because I had to stop volunteering places in case the FBI helping with the torture case saw the immigrants I was giving food to? I always search for the reasons behind my kaleidoscope of humiliation and rejection experiences.  To what do I owe the honor of being the emotional abuse connoisseur that I am?  By now it could be a lot of things.  The smell on my clothes from my apartment that’s a mix of bug spray, rotten groceries, and dirty socks, or maybe hitting myself on zoom meetings when the liberals change the filter to make me look worse because of privilege, or possibly the thing I keep living for, which is to stay alive when I don’t want to. The irony of it I guess just ends up beating people at their own brand of comedy, which consists of calling me names while I walk down the street in my neighborhood, or newspaper articles from rich northerners calling evangelicals bullies.  A gleeful crowd who made politics their religion can’t wait to see Jesus Christ vengefully turn people like Michael Moore and Bill Maher into saints on Judgement Day in my face and everyone’s face that has already been ground into the layer of dirt and dog crap all over our ruined country. Maybe people suspect me of being a cop because I care about child abuse, and they are trying to defund me before I get away with sharing any poems that tell teenagers not to rape people. I am sure everyone meant well and will not feel the same feelings of insult that makes me think of choosing a different heaven when I die, far from this society, abandoning many people who did support me and watched in horror as my absence was celebrated instead of some very funny Christian poetry that could have helped all the kids who had to face a pandemic without basic fundamentals about heaven, hell, and their future as slaves being trafficked overseas to Isis.

paperbacks on amazon

author page

General Tso has been nothing but nice to me

     Hi everyone, the secret messages are telling me to do another blog post to reassure everyone that I will take my psychiatric medicine later. Of course I will everyone. Don't say you were at the insurrection if you weren't really there.  Anyway I am about to go try to get some cash and then go get some Chinese food, which honestly could be a little bit awkward because it could seem like I am just stopping by because of the StopAsianHate campaign.  And maybe it will be taken as a gesture of politics but really I just like Chinese food and feel that my gallbladder can handle it after months of causing me to honestly not be even a minimally good neighbor during Covid for one of my favorite restaurants called Panda House.  Surely I could have ordered the dumplings a few more times or some wonton soup. I should definitely turn myself in to the authorities at CNN for that but so far will just plan to order the hot and sour soup, crab rangoons, and a certain kind of chicken that is probably not in network for my health insurance.

     Anyway I will also pass along a little joke from my friend who has cancer, which is that my friend said her medical people explained that she is "eating for two" now: herself and the cancer.  I think there could have been a better way to frame that but my friend really wanted me to have that joke for free so of course I will mention it for all my readers which actually probably even at this time includes some nice helpful people as well as legal sharks from Barnes and Noble who may soon be as excited as anyone else when I announce to everyone that I have hidden three hundred dollars in several random books at each Barnes and Noble in America.  Do you guys get that? It is like telling people to go rummage messily through all the books on the shelves, kind of like all the customers always do anyway. Well have a great day everyone, please take everything I say with a grain of salt and hopefully no MSG.

Swivel Chair Mayhem

    Hi everyone, I hope you are having a good day. I got a new cot and am having fewer hallucinations and more sleep.  So that is good.  I had to take some anxiety medicine and whenever I do, I think of people who have anxiety and don't believe in or know about psychiatric medicine and I feel sad for them because literally you can't breathe without anxiety medicine sometimes. That is why I think the religion problems in this country need to be addressed and the persecution of ignorant sad people from those more educated or just differently educated is not helping anyone. 

    Anyway that is not the main thing I am writing about today.  The main thing I am here to discuss is which swivel chair should I try to order once I get the stimulus check for 1400 dollars. For just part of that cash, I am thinking of buying one of these chairs for my newly cleared out apartment which I can also move to another location if I get approved for a housing situation designed for mentally ill people. I have high hopes for that and think that it will help me survive in NYC for a while longer and work as a peer counselor. I think I might try to get the green chair because it is more affordable or the yellow chair because it is on sale and might not be available later on. And it could be that in a new apartment I could try to collect all four eventually. Task chairs online start at about 60 dollars and go to a range of about $150 for a nice cool one and then higher than that for some that are almost like recliners and can cost up to 800 dollars.  That is a bit much for me but I think the idea of an upholstered swivel chair is great and can also be a way to sit low to the ground which I find to be comforting. 

     Anyway in some cultures people pay you to sit in a swivel chair and do work, but I have found myself to have drifted towards laying on a cot and talking to imaginary mice and rabbits.  So that is the new task is to figure out what to do about that.  Get it? "task," like "task chair."  It is worth googling and can be so fun to see all the designs.  Well have a great day everyone. This blog post reminds me of William Cowper's famous poem called "the Task."

tryouts for snack club

      Well everyone, it is Monday, March 1.  I just made a peanut butter pie at 8 o'clock in the morning. It turned out great and was really easy.  Yesterday I posted a video on facebook of a practice talk that I gave to a church youth group.  I didn't look that great in the video and had a hairdo problem but still posted it because I think what I said was exactly what I had to say in the exact way I first thought of it. I wrote a bunch of suicidal blog posts in the days preceding the talk, which was not that considerate, but I did stay out of the hospital to be there for the presentation so I think that was all I could do.  It was a nice day and my poetry went over well and best of all, the church liked my thoughts about cartoon animal friends in heaven, which is similar to something CS Lewis believed.  So that is a good sign.  

    I am thinking about starting a club of some kind.  I kind of want to use the keebler club crackers design as part of it but don't want it to have to do with race and "crackers" sometimes refers to bad whiteys.  But my club is going to be so basic.  It will be like a support group for getting through tough times, but also maybe will have some goals or even service project badges of some sort. I had an idea for a club called Eternal York recently that would be more religious.  But I think this club might be different. It could be called "Friend Club" or "Food Club," or "the Peanut Butter Mission." Ok I think that has some potential but there needs to be a goal for it. Is anyone else starting to crave peanut butter crackers? Ok, and Kool-Aid goes well with peanut butter crackers, so that is some progress in terms of snack plans.  Now I just need to work on the application process and create an online form.  Ok thanks everyone, see you at the yearly banquet where our guest speaker is probably going to be just a youtube video.

List of Visions

It seems to be temporal lobe epilepsy with hypergraphia and memory loss. Here are some of the recent visions. I think sometimes I see the stuff after feeling some love from my true church background that was kept away from me for many years and could not be replaced by anything else including other churches.

a snake like an eel on sand and gravel

a snake with a flickering black tongue

a dead white guy with a sagging face and hollowed out eyes

a flat guy behind me on an operating table with a white and black speckled face and a scar down his eye like the Kiss rock stars and scar from the lion king with streaks of blond hair

a branch with ice melting

Daniel from the Bible

a cat in the other room

a small skull

someone who looks like Tina Turner

a commencement speaker in a purple and black robe who reminds me of someone from a movie

a young chinese female speaking casually at a government podium

some other faces that show up and fade

a midget with a lot of make-up in front of NYU hospital

a blue lady with brown curly hair coming out of someone near Bellevue

a guy with white plastic eyes standing next to my bed for two days

a guy with a beard who comes out of a mexican kid and starts to attack me

Jesus Christ and then another Jesus Christ who seems bad and the good Jesus shoots the bad Jesus and travels to Barnes and Noble in Greenville to play games

a close up of grayish green smooth snakes

a powdery white faced bald guy in a poster of new york city barking orders

a short bald scary red guy right in front of me

an scraggly old white man in the distance

E.T. but he looks younger

Saddam Hussein looking younger

a cup of coffee with Reeses pieces dropped into it

a black flappy thing flying across my room

in a dream, leaving a racism lecture with Connie May Fowler and we are in a stone courtyard of a church or Abbey and there is a statue of Mary probably holding Jesus in a ledge indentation but it is really Mary and not made of stone

I see a bowl of white slate like a mountain on the campus of Princeton Seminary and there is a fine brown dust on the rocks in retrospect but it is a brighter white than happens on this earth and it has to do with justice

a tiny vision of Jesus's face on the speckled floor tiles of NY Presbyterian ER.

a scene at my grandmother's house where I am digging hairballs out of the floorboards and having Christmas discussions with my sister and other people and Jesus makes a joke about buying a blue book from Barnes and Noble

a voice in an empty gray space saying "Nellie" really loudly

a dead body holding a human head next to me when I wake up in a tomb during sleep paralysis

a dream about someone from my life helping me but there are two bad things chasing us and I tell one to ask Jesus Christ for help and when I say "do you remember him," the bad spirit says it at the same time through my mouth as I wake up and feel relieved but the other one gets away

an African American lady with dreadlocks checking on me near my bed and a Dominican lady in the other room.

a black lady waiting outside the door of apartments on another floor

a verve that flies me up in the sky and I look down and see a sacrifical altar area on a New York roof like an Inca temple or European garden or one of those scary stone slabs in Lord of the Rings

two dreams where there is another apartment system overlapping this apartment in another realm and I go upstairs and people are partying in other rooms and I don't know if it is good or bad

a girl like an incubus pressing down on my chest trying to keep me from breathing during a sleep paralysis where I say you need to ask Jesus Christ for help and she looks hopeful and leaves out the window. 

in a dream someone near a lake at a camp talking to someone else and then abuses me in my room as a tactile hallucination

a dream about Jacqui where she is the principal at a high school where I was teaching and did not do well but then quit because of the bag of syrup and felt better

a dream where DBB falls from the ladder at the mall near two enemies and I call 911

a dream where I am helping Dayle R. in a headquarters that gets nuked from somewhere nearby and I look out for a toddler as my arms become glowingly translucent as an X ray

a dream where I am at a reunion for the ministry I could not do and I see that it has to do with my mom being treated bad in her life

a dream where I see the risen selves of two people I know in heaven and I can't play hide and seek because of trauma 

a dream where I see Fred Turner at a camp but it is his earth self and not risen self

a movie on the side of a building in NYC that is a muppet movie scene where Jack the muppet breaks through the screen except he is really Jesus Christ dying for our sins

 

I think I should not always call stuff demons but I think that a lot of it is actually the illumination of misportrayals that are meant to either tempt, accuse, or deceive.

 

The most extreme spells were after walking about ten miles on a hot day and I was able to interpret secret messages from God in a coded literary way like reading symbolism and initials for about four hours or more and then had to say okay that is enough and was in a trance for a day or so until taking some risperdal.

 

I think a demon named Macifer has been torturing my family for many years and I thought a few years ago that it was over and a whole civilization had been freed but I am not sure. I do not really know what I am supposed to do. I think that the people who are torturing me for supposedly benevolent reasons are wrong.

A truly super bowl: hamburger helper

Well everyone, I have a new recipe to post which is basically just hamburger helper.  You cook some hamburger meat and add hamburger helper.  And it really is so yummy.  I ate some of it yesterday and felt better after some trauma feelings in the middle of the night.  But I am okay and still preparing for a gallbladder procedure.  I am thinking about trying to replace all my internal organs with a gallbladder collection of about twenty gallbladders.  Probably digestion would not be the same after that.  Now it is time for the Super bowl. I am going for the Greenbay Packers. Ok I just realized the conspiracy is reminding me of an online church dinner group. Okay that is fun thanks see y'all soon. What should I eat. The conspiracy is saying to eat some chili and rice and cheese. Okay that will be fine. 

gallbladder mascot

a post on facebook said this dog does not like commotion or quick movements. Well that is how I feel so I am wondering if this dog is me but it kind of reminds me of my sister. So I really don't know but I definitely like looking at this dog more than the demons I see sometimes during hallucinations that are probably real.  Currently I have to figure out how to get rid of a demon that looks kind of like Scar from the Lion King but with black and white paint and blond streaks and which was lying on the operating table in my mind as I prepare for a gallbladder endoscopy. I think the demon is trying to tempt me to say something hateful to the people who caused the injury last fall. I remember when it happened, and a few weeks later my gallbladder was twinging, and a few weeks after that, it had steady pain and gallstone symptoms.  But the doctors say they don't see a gallstone. So the diagnosis is gutwrench F.25 with gastritis and provocation, plus some Z codes that happen to be names of people. Some of the people are such nice people that I wondered if they hurt my gallbladder on purpose as a free referral for medical care. But what is more likely? It is more likely that I drank too much coke, and that I am tired of people hurting me.

 

Happy Day After Groundhog's Day

      Hi everyone, I hope you are having a good day. I am doing okay and just trying to recover from all the groundhog's day festivities. Having a pet guinea pig means that you end up being the one to host most of the celebrations like posting a photo on facebook.  Anyway Groundhog's Day is a nice low pressure holiday that doesn't usually hurt people, much like groundhogs themselves.  Around Thanksgiving and Christmas, and New Years, and especially Valentine's Day, people often get depressed.  And there are pressures to get everyone a present or show up at parties or go along with whatever social stresses there are.  But with Groundhog's Day, you just have a conversation or two about whether the groudhog saw his shadow, and then everyone knows that it does not affect anything.  Not even six months of winter.

    I actually think there is some untapped potential with Groundhog's Day.  Like for people to have a low key celebration of some kind, or just to shirk some responsibilities because of a holiday. One cool tradition could be for people to actually hide a groundhog in each other's apartments or homes every year. So people instead of just wondering that morning if one random groundhog will see his shadow, they will know they might end up finding an unexpected new pet that will need feeding and care for several years. Or at least until the next year when they hide the groundhog in someone else's house. Guinea Pigs could be close enough for this new tradition, or giant capybaras, like the Thanksgiving Capybara pictured here:

Groundhog Season

 Well, everyone, it's almost February, time for us all to wish that we were never born. Here are some photos of Valentines that I think would have gone good together:

 

The Green Blob

Well everyone, the conspiracy seems to be saying to do another blog post even though I just spent 8 hours blogging.  So I am adding this post about how I visited one of my favorite hospitals this week to try to go to the Medicaid office.  The hospital is called Metropolitan hospital, and when I went there, I was wearing a giant green coat, which is the exact color of most gallbladders, so I felt like I was kind of like a gallbladder mascot visiting the hospital.  And people did seem cheered up that I was there.  So that was really fun and I will think of them when I have my gallbladder endoscopy procedure that might happen soon. I am hoping that the endoscopy people will find the gallstone and take it out right then instead of just sending in a tube down my throat, into my innards and taking videos that I am sure will make their way to tik tok, possibly even before I wake up from surgery. Another joke I thought of to say in this post is something like this:  Has anyone noticed that Dr. Fauci's name sounds kind of like Faust?  Do you guys get that joke? It is like I am trying to say covid scientists are bad people trying to hurt everyone or something.  But I don't really even know that much about what has been going on because I get my news from the latino soap operas on the TVs at the laundromat. When I watch the shows in spanish, I don't really know what is happening, and that is just like watching or reading the news online now.