The ghost of Christmas present

   Well hi everyone, did y'all have a good Christmas?  I had a pretty good Christmas even though I did not send as many gifts to people this year.  And I volunteered on Christmas Eve but did not have a good attitude because we had to wash some of the same dishes several times because some people did not do the best they could.  But it was probably their way of telling Santa to give their presents to someone else.

   Anyway I still have some presents to send to my nieces and just had second thoughts about what I did for them, which was essentially give them each a small suitcase full of one dollar bills, gold one dollar coins, and other mafia reminiscent items like dice and poker chips. It was a fun present, especially since me and my sister grew up watching TV together and have an appreciation for suitcases full of money. But I took apart some cheap metal art cases to do it, and had one for myself which I disassembled today and saw how cool the cases that I took apart were.  I mean they were cool art sets, and when I was in town visiting the nieces, I asked them what else they wanted for Christmas, and they said art supplies.  So I just had a little section of time where I was questioning my choices, but I think that I did okay and I will send them some art kits soon and send the supplies that I took out of the other art kits.

   But anyway, I have discovered in adulthood that one of the great things that you can do is cash out some of your money in one dollar bills and use it to feel rich in different tricky ways.  You can do this by carrying a thick wad of money everywhere you go, hiding ones and fives in all your clothes so you are always finding money, or my new favorite, assembling a suitcase full of money as part of your savings plan.  It really is just like the TV shows, and even though at Christmas, everyone has just been reminded about how uncool Scrooge is, counting stacks of gold coins is actually almost as satisfying as counting more stacks of gold coins.

These pants are giving me dementia.

I mention my new pants in the next post also but I just want to say here too that I got some new pants today that aren't the greatest pants I have ever had and I do not feel like myself in them and I am on a train right now and I think I am at risk for wandering off and not knowing who I am.  Like I could get off the train at a random stop and not even know my name because these pants are not like the pants that I normally wear.  I knew that they would be different because I usually get regular pants but these are slim so they make me look and feel so stupid that I think it could be hard to remember things like my name or my address or something more important which is to never buy these kinds of pants again.

A long post from some long days

   Well hi everyone, this is a post I am writing on the train and will post later.  I am sitting on the train now in NYC about to leave for Greenville.  I am going to an important family occasion.  I have not been in a good state of mind for a few days and I have cursed at some people.  You are probably saying into your computer, well what seems to be the trouble.  Well I will tell you.  Friday I was on a subway and thought I was at my stop so I got off the train and then realized it wasn't my stop so I got back on the train but realized I had passed my stop so I needed to get off the train again and the doors were closing so I hurried and held the doors open so I could get through.  Well the drivers do not like it when you do that and the guy started closing the door on me repeatedly.  Well I have neck problems so that is not good and I chased him down yelling at him as the train was leaving. It was kind of like the Superman scene where Superman runs faster than the train except I did not catch up with the train driver and I was grabbing my neck in exaggerated pain. I do think that train drivers should get in trouble for hurting people on purpose and I told on him.  Anyway the next day I volunteered in the Bronx and I was working on a little food task and a guy blasted some embarrassing music right in my ears and it hurt me so much. It made me suicidal and it made me feel like I can never work or volunteer again.  But I have volunteered a lot this year and only had a few experiences like that but to me it ruins my life when things like that happen and treatment like that is one of the reasons I haven't been able to work.  Anyway I prayed some mean prayers over the weekend and sent a little note about the situation.  It is true that addressing things directly usually prevents a lot of resentful grumbling but sometimes it seems impossible to do the confrontations that help you feel okay and prevent further issues.

   Anyway Sunday I had a busy day and then took the guinea pigs to the pet sitter and on the way home I stopped at a restaurant that I had vowed to eat at someday and then I walked on to the train station and gave my leftovers to a guy at the train station.  Well it was a great bag of leftovers and I was happy to share except later realized that that guy might have known I had eaten there and been part of some people who tracked me for fifteen blocks to get the food.  That sounds paranoid doesn't it?  Well a lot of homeless people in New York have certain methods to get cash and they text each other and keep track of who gives what and they conveniently show up in your train car or at certain corners because other people let them know several blocks away that you were walking down the street.  Anyway some people in my neighborhood do that to me too and I already have a lot of problems so I am thinking about not giving any food or money to people any more.  It is kind of sad because I do think a lot of people not only need but deserve cash handouts but I am not going to reward people for being part of a whole network of people that tracks me and follows me.

    Anyway today I went to a certain store that rhymes with "Sold Gravy" (they probably google themselves and sue innocent bloggers) to get some clean pants because the laundromat in my neighborhood got burnt in a fire so I am a little behind on laundry chores.  Well they no longer have my size and oddly haven't had my size there since I sent an email complaining about something several months ago.  But I don't know if they would have targeted me that much but anyway I ended up getting a pair of "slim" pants and they are horrible!  All I can do is be happy for the Wal Mart White Stag brand that now has a chance to really compete based on appearance instead of predatory price slashing and worker's soul slashing. But anyway maybe people won't recognize me in this outfit so they won't be able to target me and keep treating me so bad and hurting me on purpose.  I do believe I am on the way to becoming a Batman Villain and it seems that part of my costume will be these horrible slim pants.

Association

I am on a trip and on the train we passed an apartment building called Locust Point.  Well I am not a marketer but aren't locusts some kind of insect pest?  I am just wondering and maybe that helps people sign up for apartments there because they think they might be getting a deal.  Or maybe it is from a property company that has two buildings and they named one Locust Point and then charge everyone a million dollars a month at the other one.  It's a clever little scheme, really, and it kind of reminds me of a lot of rent and property schemes, though in NYC I think just the word Locusts is already a reminder of the real estate business.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

   Well everyone, how are you doing. I am at Whole Foods right now and hopefully Amazon and Whole Foods have taken over everyone's lives and my life so much that they have a savings fund for me and have already ordered some Christmas presents that I will find at my apartment when I get home.  I am hoping for some Hot Wheels cars and some orange Hot Wheels tracks to make wall shelves out of.

    Anyway today I got a TB test so I can participate in a job program.  The job program is for people with autism.  I recently got marked down for autism on a psych evaluation and I am thankful because not everyone gets their diagnosis.  And girls with autism rarely are diagnosed.  And people say that it is because it affects girls in a way that is just less bothersome but I am not sure that is the case. I think all these terrible cases of anorexia and cutting and mental illness may be either manifestations of autism or the resulting breakdown from not happily fitting in society and it is a sad, sad thing.  And even for me, people might say that I don't need a diagnosis because it is so mild compared to my other mental illness but my other mental illness is probably very much because of the autism and my mental illness is really very tragic.  It really is, even though I am happy to be mentally ill because I think mental illness is cool.

   But anyway, this weekend I participated in a fundraising walk to help people with developmental disabilities and they gave us pizza and free sandwiches.  I think they were mad at me because I did not do that great at volunteering.   But I did try my best and I think that ultimately we all have to ask ourselves, okay, does maybe sarah's best not be that great?  You know and we have to say okay, does maybe for Sarah, when asked to do a certain work task, for her that means eating a sandwich? I think that is really the direction that treatment and accommodation needs to go in for me. 
    But anyway, I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving.  I am going to volunteer at a hospital for Thanksgiving and I am very excited about it even though you are not supposed to be excited at a hospital.

Happy Belated Halloween

   Well everyone, how are you doing. Today is November 11.  It is one of my favorite days.  Because it is 11/11.  And I do remember when it was 11:11 on 11/11/11.  I think I was at Barnes and Noble on that day.  That is where I used to work.

    I have not posted in a while because the internet is not working at my apartment.  Also I have been doing a lot of volunteer work.  It is sad to not have done many blog posts, because I did have a lot to write about last month.  One of the things I might have written about was how I went to a Halloween party at the Natural History Museum. I was a shark for Halloween and my costume was kind of one of those ridiculous costumes that is like a whole big costume like Eddie Murphy on Saturday Night Live.  I feel like the shark costume also had another effect of implying that I was immersed in water, since sharks have to swim in water to live, and I think that this made the natural history museum also have a Halloween costume by pretending to be an aquarium for Halloween.  Or it could be seen like a flood in the fossil museum that represents billions of years, so it is like an evolution museum dressing up as a Creation museum for Halloween.  Is that weird to think that way? That is how I interpret things sometimes.

    Anyway, I also gave out a lot of candy for Halloween.  I gave out about forty bags of candy and it went well, but I regretted not including Tootsie Pops, which is something I considered giving out and then didn't.  And then after Halloween I got a huge bag of Tootsie Pops to kind of make up for it but now I have almost 80 Tootsie Pops and Halloween is over.  So that is a little confusing, But anyway I think I have figured out that Tootsie Pops or Blow Pops or Caramel Apple Pops can make the difference in seeming like you are handing out whole handfuls of candy on Halloween.  Like you can do two snack size candies like Nerds or Skittles or M and Ms, and then if you simply add a good lollipop then all of a sudden it is like a wad of candy that seems like some kind of variety assortment.  Every year I learn something new like that.  Do y'all remember when I gave out Mexican gum for Halloween?  And I gave out Now and Laters, which are rare, and I did not do well and had too much left over and then the next day some of the candy I passed out was on an internet list of candy that people supposedly don't like. 
I just thought of an idea for a candy which is what if there was a lollipop shaped exactly like the inside of your mouth.  Kind of like a candy retainer.  In fact that could be the name of the candy is "Candy Retainers," and it is a giant mouth shaped candy that lasts for hours.

Copyright Statement

Today I thought of a defense if I ever have copyright problems in any of my books, which is to say that I am a conscientious objector for copyright law. I mean who can argue with that?   I do worry about things like brand names not wanting free advertising, or not being allowed to freely share a facebook share, or worst of all, accidentally copying entire books by other people because of a mix of photographic memory and dementia. I mean of course I am joking, but I do have weird mental gifts and deficits, and occasional feelings of false deja vu when I write, and I have permanently deleted about twenty poems because of these kinds of fears.  And I can't just go back and reread every book I have ever read to be safe each time I write a poem.  And people say no, you know when you copy someone and you know that you have been a very bad person who pretended that you wrote Les Miserables and Tale of Two Cities. But actually, that is not true, and I am still only at the level where I pretend that I have read the classics, not written them. I really don't always know which Amtrak stations all my trains of thoughts departed from, and even if I did, I would still probably get it mixed up with the train station in the new novel I am working on called Anna Karenina.

This post should be in a library.

  Well hi everyone, I am typing this at the library. You guys did not know that I knew where a library was did you. Well I am at the library now so now who has the last laugh. Well it isn't me because we are supposed to be quiet at the library.  I am waiting here for my support group that starts at 6:15.  There was a jigsaw puzzle downstairs when I got here and the picture was just of the garage of a normal house.  I think that is pretty funny because it is kind of like an art movement of hyper realism or just realism except it is so normal that being an image for a jigsaw puzzle is abnormal which then makes it interesting again.

   The reason I am going to the support group is because I think that people probably picked that puzzle out just to entertain me and have also tampered with every single aspect of every day life and influenced every single interaction I have with anyone I talk to or don't talk to.  Even though I think everyone is in on it, it still seems wrong and weird to confront people about it every time something bothers me, so I go to this group where I can say okay the conspiracy is bothering me. 
   Anyway I ate at IHOP earlier so now who's laughing.  Well it still isn't me because I am at the library just like I was a few minutes ago when I started this post, and just like I was a few seconds ago when I said "just like a few minutes ago when I started this post."

Not a Game

   Well everyone, today is September 22. I just got back from a trip to SC.  It was really fun and I got to stay in a hotel, which I almost never get to do. I went to my old college for a reunion of all the mascots from over the years.  But of course not all the mascots could be there, and I missed the final field ceremony which would have been great.  I went to the game but got delayed and went in the wrong gate and could not tolerate the crowd, and I felt like the conspiracy was torturing me and I left while I still could without getting trapped where a cab could not reach me.  Later I thought maybe I should have tried harder to stay but I just couldn't. So sometimes I have a sad feeling, but mostly I am glad I went. It brought back a lot of memories of mascot days, but it also made me feel a little traumatized. I could barely watch the new mascots entertain everyone.

   Now I am back home with my wonderful pet guinea pigs who are all three together in the same cage and getting along great.  So everything is great except for all the headlines that suggest we are on the brink of nuclear war with countries that we could have bombed with regular bombs at any time in the last twenty years.  And people are also about to take away health care and try that same pre-existing condition scam that was also a problem for twenty years and should never have been tolerated.

   So I am thinking about heaven sometimes and how things will be different and I will mostly be playing cards in the basement of some stone building in a green valley with a lot of slushie delivery services nearby.  Fred, Roger, and Dave, who are my guinea pigs, will no longer need a cage and will probably also be playing cards with me and my friends, and we will all have a little stash of gold coins and other interesting valuables on the table.  And I will get dealt five jokers and win a golden pocket watch that projects a portal to any one of the billions of USC games being played throughout eternity.

Crimony

Well everyone, I haven't written that much on this blog lately, but that is because I got a little shaken up by a background check for volunteering.  For a while, it seemed like I was going to fail the criminal background check when I haven't committed any crimes, and I freaked out.  I just freaked out and started running around town committing crimes in a panic, so now I will probably fail all future criminal background checks.  Just joking.  But the process was really traumatizing and I don't know if I will still be able to do the kind of volunteering I was trying to do. It did turn out that the background check went through okay and I am either not dangerous or am just being closely monitored and the clearance is just a decoy to make me walk past police stations in an overconfident way until suddenly I absent-mindedly walk in the exit door of the subway instead of the turnstile and I am no longer allowed to do anything but crimes.

The fruit flies are not paying their share of the rent

Well everyone, how are you doing. I am doing great.  I have been cleaning my apartment a little bit this week and got a free shelf that I am very thankful for.  I have thrown out about thirteen bags of trash which was a worse situation than I thought.  But I really think that a clean apartment is right around the corner.  And I am talking about my apartment like in a few days- not about other apartments that are literally around the corner.

Using My Best Judgement

Well everyone, Tuesday I have to report for jury duty.  I think that I should go with a verdict already decided just to save time.  This might make them pick me, too, when they are choosing the jury members. If they say, okay, the next juror we are considering, what is your name, etc. And I will say my name is Refried Bean and I find the defendent not guilty. 

Confidential

This blog post is about something confidential because I signed a form saying that I would not share any information about it.  I'll give you a hint though.  The hint is that I can't tell you anything about it.

A guessing game with no hints

Well everyone, I found a great new doctor today and hopefully I can keep being her patient, because she helped me a lot.  I feel that she did not mind me explaining my condition in euphemisms because of the way I am so embarrassed by health problems and terms, and when I said stuff like "such and such if you know what I mean but I don't want to say," she knew just what to prescribe.  Probably after a few visits I can just show up and look away in shame and she will know exactly what the diagnosis is. I think that really that is what great health care is all about, and an unlabeled grab bag system at the drug store might work out well for everyone too.

Fast feast

   This might be something I should just post on facebook but I am feeling shy so I am writing it on my blog.  There is a scene in Lord of the Rings with this bad steward fake king guy and he has a feast of food laid out in front of him and one of the hobbits is his servant and the hobbit sings a song and there is slow motion video of the king eating the food like a pig and he is gnawing at the meat and tomato juice runs down his face and it is supposed to be related to how much of a bad person he is.  I think of him sometimes when I eat something like wings, really probably every time I eat wings, and during my depressions a long time ago I would sometimes feel like I was just like him when I would eat hungrily or do something like drink a whole pitcher of kool aid, which I did sometimes because life was hard.
   Anyway I just got home from walking to go get food and I turned on the Return of the King movie on my computer, which I haven't watched for a while, and right as it was starting, it was that scene, and it is funny because I just got wings.  So that is pretty hilarious because basically now it will be like a mirror of me eating my food but I am not going to let it get me down everyone.  But really honestly it was kind of greedy for me to go get the food I got because I just had good food yesterday. But it doesn't mean that I am a bad steward or king or that I should be burnt alive like what happens to him towards the end of the movie. And if that scene is just like me, maybe there are other scenes from other movies that are also me, and maybe one of those movies is the Care Bears movie, and I should remember that I also eat Reese's pieces sometimes, kind of like E.T.

Out of the Loop

This is random but I for a long time have thought that the Massachusetts Institute of Technology was in Texas. I wonder if I applied there and told them that then they might think that it is so stupid it actually must be something past being smart you know like so high up intelligence scales that it actually is a certain kind of stupid that is off the charts, or maybe if intelligence loops around then that is the reason for my thinking. But I do not want to go there so I think that if I applied then that would also be because of the loop.

Some lines about the DMV

Well everyone, I went to the DMV today, and honestly it wasn't a bad experience. I was getting a drivers license after a time of not driving for a while.  I had to wait for an hour and then another hour, and they call out people's numbers the whole time.  Like there is a screen with a lot of numbers.  I actually think they should consider combining it with some kind of Bingo game, and if you win, then you don't have to wait as long.  I mean they could almost do that as it is, like choose a few numbers to call immediately for no reason but to make those people winners who don't have to wait in line.  And then after that they could just start passing out cash.  That is kind of what they did today except it was me paying the 66 dollars.