this Blog is now available as a book called "Mad Blog"

 Hi everyone, I published this blog.  I like how it turned out. It is 450 pages and you can see a plot develop throughout the posts as they start out happy and friendly, then there are hints of legal intimidation, and then I am wrenched completely and my life is ruined by political hypocrits.  The book is on amazon with my other books.  There is a link at refriedbean.com.  I don't know why my books haven't sold.  I think it is because of mental health case management.  But I am kind of tired of not having an income that matches my work.  It does hurt my feelings and I have to start to see that maybe the conspiracy is actually abusive.

But I am okay and enjoy the creative process without the sales but I am a sales and advertising-ish kind of person and intended to create products worth buying.   Like it's not just charity though I would give away as many books and cash as I could.  I feel misperceived as a worker.

Also I am not as conservative as my posts make it seem, but people harrass me so I defend all of us in writing.  People in the north are so quick to remind evangelicals that americans are never persecuted but I feel sorry for them because we are, and it is them who do it.  I think some of it was motivated to reach their unchurched people and get everyone engaged in politics.  But unfortunately their politics became too much a substitute for religion and they have hurt a lot of people.

But that is enough of that. I am tired of it being my job to understand and analyze people's abuse as they mistreat me.  Some of the nature of most abuse is that it is bad and stupid so in a way it doesn't make sense.  So why try, it only takes time and energy from other worthy goals and better people.

I have gotten a lot of mental health care to still feel this bad.  Every day i feel anxiety and pain. Whose harvest is that? Is it mine, from writing and doing volunteer work?  I doubt it.

Have a nice day, everyone. Some of this is a re-enactment from other times in my life. It is part of creative therapy in new york.  But some of that story was an assaulting public as a retail worker so think about whether you want that to be you or if you want to be in the hall of polite customers.

hyper-con

  Well hello everyone. Today is march 25. I have not written on this blog in a while.  I just ate some casserole that I made from a new recipe. It is called Dorito Casserole.  You cook some chicken, break it up into small pieces, and add it to a mixture of sour cream, cream of chicken soup, and taco seasoning.  Then you sprinkle doritos on top.  I cooked some rice because there was a lot of creamy goop so I made it go further.  It is yummy!! I think it will become a usual frequent recipe I use.  

I think I am going to finish being a writer soon.  I still need to write the soldier hogs novel.  Maybe in April for Nano Wrimo. And I think I will do another poetry book to complete a three book series.  However I feel that possibly I have said all I have to say and I should finish up.  

 

What do you guys think about that? Like maybe I should switch from writer to bookseller and try to get these books into some schools and churches or something.

 

I am sad to not have enough trustworthy journalism to know what is happening.  I have had to avoid things like nbc news because they are so obviously assaulting me with lies and bad portrayals. It is kind of funny that they are recording themselves doing that as history. I don’t know if Biden can win a war and still achieve the religious persecution he wants to in the United States. It is weird to disengage from media and see it from a distance.  I wrote a story once about a cloud of raisins that attacked a camp, damaging property, and then moving on.  Possibly that is what some of the political problems will be like. But I guess we won’t know for a while.

I guess Biden could try to lose the war to get rid of some of the military conservatives, creating more moral injury so the liberals can say that it was all another vietnam.  Or maybe that is what they already did.  So this time the goal will be to allow China and Russia to take slaves from those pesky red states in the middle and south between the blue states who want to be nuked while they sing john lennon songs.

Possibly this is why I am going to die thirty years early, so I can attend the judgement day of a certain generation responsible for other personal losses. 

"License to ILL"

 Hi everyone, I hope you all are doing great. This is my old blog but I occasionally post on it if I need to complain about something.  Today I am okay and in a good mood because I just wrote a new story. I like how it turned out.  Earlier I was not as happy because I still felt bad after people were mean to me at my support group.  Eliza, Sonia, and Barbra each seemed to come to support group with the intent of making people feel bad on purpose.  I think it is some kind of activism and is suspiciously skillful.  It could be that they want prayers and it is part of the conspiracy.  So I don't really know what to do.  I think a normal policy of proceeding with the usual guidelines of straightforward participation is what is recommended and then they just become more and more obvious in their quite nasty bad choices.  I mean who targets suicidal people in their own support groups?  I'll tell you who.  Social work activists.  What an embarrassment. Truly a disgrace.  The field is full of people like that. I might eventually burn my license.  Some people will pretend they don't care, and that is fine, because most of my audience is saints and angels anyway, waiting to welcome me to heaven after mental health workers succeed in driving me to suicide.  So far I have no attempts to my name, after years of depression, but unfortunately the attempts to make me give up are in the hundreds of thousands from hypocrit harrassers all along the way.

Lillian and Tamara

 Hi everyone, welcome to my old blog. It has a pattern of old posts that could have been publicly popular and might still be appreciated in the books where they are printed, and then a sad transition to a journal of suffering as people put the finishing touches on ruining my life.  There is a wasted literary career that has happened, but still at least the work itself is preserved in books published on amazon.  I am used to people trying to tell themselves it probably wasn't good writing anyway, but they are wrong and selfish and all things like that will be apparent in due time.

As it is, I am being abused at my apartment.  It is mostly emotional, and something I haven't really heard labeled before, which is a "life abuse," or circumstances sabotage, where people in authority roles try to hurt your life and damage or block your ways out of the "pain that they maintain."  

Last year it was a bad case manager, Tamara, and this year, it is still that person plus at least one more, Lillian, who just made her intentions known yesterday, with an obvious exhilarated feeling as she continued what seem to be her main strategies which involve always suggesting that I might need to go to the hospital if I say anything about their mistreatment.  So she tries to escalate any complaints into me seeming unstable.  She has done that about three times now.  The other person's go to strategies are more like power plays and hints that I am getting marked down for things that make me lose housing.  And then a time lapse to make me not make any progress on goals. There is more, there is also this nasty "holding" effect where that case manager would make herself present right before an event or other group I was doing and then set a time to meet back with me again, so I would feel as nasty abuse shadow over the parts of my life that were okay.

I can freely say these people's names, the second person is kind of a sad surprise who I had expected to treat me well, so the effect is a feeling of the whole staff doing everything they can to make me feel awful every day. It is weird to think that these are the worst people I have ever known, because I already have essentially a twelve year torture case pending, also with key abusers and their supporters from my old retail job. My brain damage tells the tale, and this time my death will tell the tale.

I knew in July that I was being mistreated, and have begged now for months for anyone to help me.  But basically I am dependent on the housing so I have to be emotionally abused for the indefinite future.  It is heartbreaking in a depressing way that I am familiar with and thought I had escaped from.  

If you are reading this, there is no need to report it, I have already done everything I can and people know. I think that it has to continue until it also reaches federal crime levels for anything to be done.  And I know already that for some reason, nothing will be done.  I don't know what it is about me but people often agree that I am supposed to be abused and that I can't have any reward for my work and efforts.  By now it is essentially my whole adulthood like that, and I just have to wait for it to be over

I think if anyone else is planning to join in, whether you are a lawyer, or a racist activist, or whatever your interest is in taking another chunk out of my soul as an assistant of satan, a key bible story to look at is when Moses was not allowed to enter the promised land.  It was a discipline from God. Moses had done something wrong, I can't remember what it was, but after 40 years of suffering and leadership as he led slaves out of Egypt, God said he could not enjoy the end goal because of what he had done wrong.  The reason I think that is relevant has to do with some of the people who for whatever reason think they will get away with being mean to me. No matter what aspect of their life makes them think they can get away with indulging in this one instance of abuse at their job, they will not in any way get away with it. And I doubt they are Moses in any way, so it will be interesting to see what horror awaits them, and when, and in front of what audience.

People might think the same can be said about me, maybe even for telling on bad people in this blog, but actually those people would be wrong.  I do what I am supposed to, and people who just do what they want to or what they can get away with all the time don't realize how obvious their bad behavior is to everyone who already has habits of honesty and treating people well.  So we patiently forgive and pray and accept our persecution, while bad people try to use that against us too, saying we are too passive while they continue their disgraceful crooked perversion in front of all of human history.

Goodbye everyone, some people did try

 “Beggars can’t be a chooser, that’s why we abuse her” - The Bridge Inc.

Hi everyone it’s me Sarah, happy to be back in New York until my housing place overtly made me fear losing housing again. It was a security guard this time but usually it is staff or medicine people trying to make me not take my meds so I more easily get kicked out. I had a bad case manager this past year and it took me a long time to figure out she was making me feel bad on purpose and trying to make me lose both housing and benefits. I do not know how extensive the network is who helps her and whether it is for political reasons or just some sickness she has.

They gave me a new case manager but it is too late. I do not expect to live through the week. I truly wish I was never born. I wish I was a fetus during Kamala’s presidency.

I reached out to a lot of people but any benefit of my miraculous survival of years of depression and poverty continues to be overtly threatened, wasted, and insulted. And I just have had enough and in the end I philosophically believe I don’t have to keep participating in my own torture. I have complained before about how wrong it is for my determination to survive to be warped into a suicide rights mission but I do not believe I will be the one answering for that, and I believe my own reckoning will probably be in a matter of days. I know God is not happy with what people have done to me in New York and elsewhere. The stupidity of people who don’t care what he thinks is almost as depressing as their actual emotional abuse and destructive hypocrisy.

Will I be contacting hospitals and social work schools before I am gone? I don’t know. I think people need to know not am to send any more clients and interns to a place that hurts their residents on purpose.

Emotional punishment for doing what I am supposed to is a lifelong experience and a strategy from Satan that too many people too eagerly joined in on for whatever reason.

To those who helped me last this long I thank you all. But I can’t survive abuse at this close a range from the people who I trusted with my life with little choice.