Hypergraphia Harvest

 

Well hi everyone, I am writing a post for this blog after a while of not blogging. I was going to say some rude complaining about how I have done my part with the books and will give up soon but then last night I had some seizure visions and feel better.  So that is good.  I am also almost back to my normal weight, which isn’t a good normal weight but to me much better than an extra ten pounds, or twenty as I feared but wasn’t the case.

 

So I will not complain, even though this blog has more of those feelings than my other blog.  I am listening to piano music right now. It is nice.  I was going to go to CVS today but I skipped medicine yesterday and can wait one more day.  I might transfer my medicine to near where I live instead of having to go downtown, which I used to have to do because of the racism in my neighborhood which made it impossible to safely shop at CVS.  Unfortunately it was the workers too and they tried to document me for stuff as I bought my medicine.

 

I made progress in two categories of suffering, which is to go ahead and accept that people were not reached with my prayer ideas though literature, but I can just increase the quantity of what I pray for myself.  So now I will be asking for trillions of blessings into the next thousand years, using a timeline in my mind.  And God and I will just skip the step of other people participating and seeing their prayers answered.  It took me a long time to crack the code on that, because I felt that people needed prayer and it would be better to have a lot of people praying with the ideas I thought of, but some of the blessings I ask for use other people’s requests anyway. And a lot of people pray for our world and I guess those who don’t won’t. 

 

The other category of progress has to do with being ready to not maintain the vigilance about avoiding homelessness and keeping the address needed for my books.  I think I did the best I could and twenty years of keeping up with backup files is going to have to be enough.  Other people made their choices and if no one wants the books, then I won’t fight it. People made their choice. I don’t know who spoke for who and who dropped the ball when.  But definitely there is a societal rejection now that can be other people’s shame.

 

I guess there is another category of progress where I will say I might decide not to trust the conspiracy and go ahead and admit that it has harmed me for many years. Too much false hope was involved, and I will soon call the bluff and not participate as the object of bullying. It seemed so creative and like such a fun community project, but what are the results?  The books are cool, aren’t they, but where are the readers.  They are reading my life, instead of the books I wrote.  And my main work has been to do things I am not good at, like small talk, organizing, cleaning, and things that involve executive function.  I am going to have to say, no more, for that.  There is just too much benefit that could have come from what I was good at.  And it was wasted for nothing.

 

So that is interesting, I guess some of this translates to phases of something, but I think something interesting is the autism factor, where I kept going under certain terms for many years longer than a lot of people would have.  The thing I still disagree with is that I feel like there are leader people who think that this state of giving up was the true spiritual goal and is the state of mind that reflects not worshipping success and idolacized goals.  And that to me is a deeply erroneous problem and misperception that I have been patient with for all of adulthood.  It matches what I don’t like about buddhism and other religions that also discourage “attachments.”  And it equates not caring and agreeing with abusers who ruin your life with the optimal state of devotion to God instead of earthly things.  And I don’t know why I have to always argue with it.  It is truly always the same thing and is where bad presbyterian theology overlaps with official bad religion of other brands, yet it is also the way people try to say “I told you so,” about any time I try unsuccessfully to use my gifts outside the church, or in any way at all.  The consistency of this persecuting view of myself that does affect both my experience of suffering and the actual outcome of my efforts is really to me an embarrassment and I feel truly sorry for anyone who sympathizes with it.  It is similar to my parent’s mistake, where their goal they forced on me was something not to be, instead of something to be.  So they end up just trying to erase me, and succeeding.  And I think it is related to gender, and that slight quality that people wish was not true so they pretend it isn’t, and they end up having to throw their whole theology and religion behind it as a way of justifying my rejection and lack of work harvest from what they themselves prevented.  So it turns into an accusation at the core of faith, which has to do with worship, and the soul’s goals and orientation, and people have to say I must have worshipped my own talents and goals, or else they would have come true. And to accept complete exclusion is my proper offering.  

 

So now we have it, me as a poor person, living in the Bronx and still asking my mom for money, and relying on the SSDI that most would agree is technically something I don’t deserve either. It was never about the money, but that is undeniably one of the most measurable signs of how people cast their vote for whether I should survive and to what extent all meaning and goals should be exchanged for total loss and devastation.

 

So now all that is left is to go to the grocery store with a welfare status that involuntarily confesses an admission of my worthlessness and my permission to survive as an extravagant charity from people whose mediocre work and ideas were so much more important to endorse and support.

 

I guess the punchline is that after I die, my success becomes apparent and I seem like a loser for complaining.  But given the prior conspiracy process, I would guess that choosing wrongly is the gateway to whatever results are still possible from the fraction of goals people will allow me to implement or pretend to still have years after all of my life and backup plans have been reliably prevented.

 

This is an interesting style of writing, isn’t it.  I could literally go on for the rest of this blog, and possibly that is what is listed here.

What is apparent

 Well everyone, I hope you are having a nice Sunday.  I am doing okay but was kind of shocked at the marshmallow ratio in my Lucky Charms this morning.  They kind of seem desperate or something, like trying to get more customers by adding a smidge much marshmallows. But I like marshmallows so it is fine.

Then I bought two things on amazon with a credit I got because they messed up an important book order worth three hundred dollars.  And I kind of suspected when I ordered the books, which were author copies I was going to mail to friends, that they would mess it up as a power play.  But really I think it is messed up at the post office level, which is kind of a precarious oddity that the whole system involves other companies and work that can prevent a shipment from getting through.

 

When I ordered the two things on amazon this morning and used the credit, they made it seem like a product discount instead of a payment, which I find dishonest, and it makes me sad that I am dependent on them to sell my books.  But my rejection from traditional publishing was pretty long term established, so publishing with amazon is my last resort, and I love how my books turned out.

 

I think a lot of my books might be priced too low, but I am okay with those choices, and mostly okay with a few other choices I made along the way under duress.  What kind of duress, well, maybe just my own impatience, but I do at this point think I am unexpectedly persecuted by sources that I actually had thought were going to be unusually supportive.  And some people were, but not enough for me to succeed at face value.  And I think at some point I have to see it that way and ask why I couldn’t be blessed and legitimate on the record as part of the normal economy.

 

And I do trace it mostly back to liberal politics, which hurts me more than the southern ignorance that has been too slow to support people with mental illness, bent genders, and other common circumstances that often also include some giftedness.  Such a tragedy, and yet the north’s arrogant deliberate racism and power hungry oppression is so much worse.  

 

But I think I already did my work to try to participate and add to any discussions, and it might be time for me to not try to keep up with the bad things happening.  Like my only reporting will be to die soon as a representative statistic of what people’s hypocrisy actually resulted in.  And there will probably be millions of others like me very soon, so I have learned the hard way that my reward or lost reward is in heaven.  And maybe I will be blessed for trying, but gosh, maybe I won’t, and whose problem is that?  No one’s.  So it will be like one of those games at the fair that I could never win, like flopping those frogs onto the lily pads, with the carnival worker watching along with smug confidence, confirming their own prediction of my wasted time and money.  I guess I just figured out what that phrase, “fair game,” means, like it means, fair, or unfair, like a fair game.  Pretty interesting.  There is a lot of interesting stuff in the past, where so many people had a sense of actual justice instead of just depending on the government to hijack other people’s work.

 

This is a long post but again is a reminder of how far I was willing to go for liberals, and how much they lost me.  Just the smug guilt manipulation, the summoning of whatever demons misled the “indigenous” peoples before us, and their more and more blatant sacrifice of actual children to their false gods that will never be a successful cover for their disgusting and idiotic, shameful rejection of the real one.

You need to realize that there are imaginary animals all around us.

 Ok everyone, today is Saturday.  I accidentally published a book on the 13^th! I did not realize that was today but I got something done and probably it was best psychologically to get it done.  I just am one of those numbers people, like 7s and 3s are good, and 6s and 13s are not good.  But 5 has always been my main number.  So I don’t know what to think except probably the book I did is fine. But I do like August 14, if I had just noticed the day and waited.   

Anyway I guess this post is going on my old blog.  What I published today was a copy of the complete imaginary mice series, all combined into one book.  I think I got it right and it is simply a collection of all the books.  I copied them exactly how they are originally.  Hopefully it is all just right.  I love the books, though I am aware of craft weaknesses.  But maybe there is going to be a “self-taught” theme for me as a novelist.  Pretty funny.  I guess not though because I did go to novel retreats and get a degree in fiction writing.

 

So okay, what is left for today is working on facebook some, like creating a new page. And eventually I will run some ads. But I don’t have money for that right now but hopefully soon I can try again with ads.  Once some sales get rolling in then I think things will be different with some of this work that sometimes seems to not have a payoff and to also be generally draining on all my friends and the conspiracy.

 

Gice is that 13 thing still bothering you?  Me too.  But maybe some people will need to believe that my books are dabbling in the occult and this can be in a paper they write about it.

 

I would like to thank my imaginary mice parents for helping me so much with all this work.  I feel that they have really been there for me, especially in this last few days.

 

So okay maybe later a post on my positive attitude blog, too.

 

Have a good day everyone.

Happy Birthday everyone!

     Well hello everyone, today is Tuesday.  I feel an awkward silence from the conspiracy and I don’t know what it is regarding.  There was a happy boost of sales for my e-books last month when I priced them at free for a promotion.  I sold over 80 copies in one month.  That was a sign of the results I have been hoping for after ten years of trying to publish and market my books.  And finally I did see some results.  Now it is silent again, but I see some steps to take to try again. I feel happy to have the paperback copies on amazon and feel able to go ahead and set any price to free on smashwords. 

    I think my jokes are funny but not the funniest stuff ever said.  I think the Onion and Buzzfeed are consistently at a higher level, but I think my work is at “Mental Floss” level, which is still very good. Or maybe “Reader’s Digest,” which I think is also very good.  And it is religious humor, which has its own challenges that I think I did well with except for a few snafus here and there, and the fact that I have behavior problems from mental illness that cause a general rudeness in any social situation whatsoever. 

But anyway, I am trying to stay positive.  I am putting this post on my normal blog, though, instead of my positive attitude blog.

I guess soon I am supposed to start working on my Soldier Hogs novel.  I will get to it but I don’t think it needs to suddenly happen this month. 

I think I will get my MySpace account up and running again soon. 

On facebook I am aware that I am supposed to have a larger audience and my facebook friends might get tired of me.  That is what I question too much for this post to be on my positive attitude blog. 

            I guess one thing to keep in mind are goals in heaven, where I want to provide a gift basket service and catalog company to provide Judgement Day rewards for people. I am especially looking forward to organizing rewards for people who worked at McDonalds.  It is just a huge company and everyone knows they were underpaid.  So that will be a fun assignment.  I don’t think I will be the one flipping the switch for people’s whose brains splatter in shame for their persecution of people like me.  But I could have some high stakes scenarios that I am a part of.

            Anyway, I guess that is all for now.