Well hi everyone, I am writing a post for this blog after a while of not blogging. I was going to say some rude complaining about how I have done my part with the books and will give up soon but then last night I had some seizure visions and feel better. So that is good. I am also almost back to my normal weight, which isn’t a good normal weight but to me much better than an extra ten pounds, or twenty as I feared but wasn’t the case.
So I will not complain, even though this blog has more of those feelings than my other blog. I am listening to piano music right now. It is nice. I was going to go to CVS today but I skipped medicine yesterday and can wait one more day. I might transfer my medicine to near where I live instead of having to go downtown, which I used to have to do because of the racism in my neighborhood which made it impossible to safely shop at CVS. Unfortunately it was the workers too and they tried to document me for stuff as I bought my medicine.
I made progress in two categories of suffering, which is to go ahead and accept that people were not reached with my prayer ideas though literature, but I can just increase the quantity of what I pray for myself. So now I will be asking for trillions of blessings into the next thousand years, using a timeline in my mind. And God and I will just skip the step of other people participating and seeing their prayers answered. It took me a long time to crack the code on that, because I felt that people needed prayer and it would be better to have a lot of people praying with the ideas I thought of, but some of the blessings I ask for use other people’s requests anyway. And a lot of people pray for our world and I guess those who don’t won’t.
The other category of progress has to do with being ready to not maintain the vigilance about avoiding homelessness and keeping the address needed for my books. I think I did the best I could and twenty years of keeping up with backup files is going to have to be enough. Other people made their choices and if no one wants the books, then I won’t fight it. People made their choice. I don’t know who spoke for who and who dropped the ball when. But definitely there is a societal rejection now that can be other people’s shame.
I guess there is another category of progress where I will say I might decide not to trust the conspiracy and go ahead and admit that it has harmed me for many years. Too much false hope was involved, and I will soon call the bluff and not participate as the object of bullying. It seemed so creative and like such a fun community project, but what are the results? The books are cool, aren’t they, but where are the readers. They are reading my life, instead of the books I wrote. And my main work has been to do things I am not good at, like small talk, organizing, cleaning, and things that involve executive function. I am going to have to say, no more, for that. There is just too much benefit that could have come from what I was good at. And it was wasted for nothing.
So that is interesting, I guess some of this translates to phases of something, but I think something interesting is the autism factor, where I kept going under certain terms for many years longer than a lot of people would have. The thing I still disagree with is that I feel like there are leader people who think that this state of giving up was the true spiritual goal and is the state of mind that reflects not worshipping success and idolacized goals. And that to me is a deeply erroneous problem and misperception that I have been patient with for all of adulthood. It matches what I don’t like about buddhism and other religions that also discourage “attachments.” And it equates not caring and agreeing with abusers who ruin your life with the optimal state of devotion to God instead of earthly things. And I don’t know why I have to always argue with it. It is truly always the same thing and is where bad presbyterian theology overlaps with official bad religion of other brands, yet it is also the way people try to say “I told you so,” about any time I try unsuccessfully to use my gifts outside the church, or in any way at all. The consistency of this persecuting view of myself that does affect both my experience of suffering and the actual outcome of my efforts is really to me an embarrassment and I feel truly sorry for anyone who sympathizes with it. It is similar to my parent’s mistake, where their goal they forced on me was something not to be, instead of something to be. So they end up just trying to erase me, and succeeding. And I think it is related to gender, and that slight quality that people wish was not true so they pretend it isn’t, and they end up having to throw their whole theology and religion behind it as a way of justifying my rejection and lack of work harvest from what they themselves prevented. So it turns into an accusation at the core of faith, which has to do with worship, and the soul’s goals and orientation, and people have to say I must have worshipped my own talents and goals, or else they would have come true. And to accept complete exclusion is my proper offering.
So now we have it, me as a poor person, living in the Bronx and still asking my mom for money, and relying on the SSDI that most would agree is technically something I don’t deserve either. It was never about the money, but that is undeniably one of the most measurable signs of how people cast their vote for whether I should survive and to what extent all meaning and goals should be exchanged for total loss and devastation.
So now all that is left is to go to the grocery store with a welfare status that involuntarily confesses an admission of my worthlessness and my permission to survive as an extravagant charity from people whose mediocre work and ideas were so much more important to endorse and support.
I guess the punchline is that after I die, my success becomes apparent and I seem like a loser for complaining. But given the prior conspiracy process, I would guess that choosing wrongly is the gateway to whatever results are still possible from the fraction of goals people will allow me to implement or pretend to still have years after all of my life and backup plans have been reliably prevented.
This is an interesting style of writing, isn’t it. I could literally go on for the rest of this blog, and possibly that is what is listed here.
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